What Kids Say
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
“I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied. “I just prayed for more snow.”
On Ash Wednesday, congregants at Kilbourne (Ohio) United Methodist Church were coming forward for the imposition of ashes on their foreheads. Two-year-old Brenna Wagoner, upset that her mother was not taking her to the altar, was overheard exclaiming: “But I want to get a tattoo just like Daddy’s!”
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis’ Church. “It must be a franchise,” her eight-year-old son said. “We’ve got one of those in our town too.”
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: “Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there.”
Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother: “We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!”
Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school’s theme focused on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: “Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!”
The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”
Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was “Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth.” His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her all bout “Jesus and the 12 recycles.”
Twenty Dollars Worth of Priceless Advice
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up.
He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.”
“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special – Don’t ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems.”
What do you call a woman who can’t stop buying romance novels?
A heroine addict.
Chinese Food Start Wars Style
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with the consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the FORKS, Luke.”
HEALED THROUGH FAITH.
“I am the Lord that healeth thee.”
With a deep sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for my restoration to health, I write this testimony. I will begin with extracts from a statement of my condition at the time of my restoration, written by the attending physician thinking it will be more satisfactory than one of my own.
“Mrs. Claghorn came to me for treatment, first on June 6, 1885, then afterwards during August, 1885, and almost continuously thereafter, until January 26, 1886 — the day of her sudden and marvelous restoration to health. Her symptoms were frequent chills, pains in the bones, pains in the back, inability to sleep, and at times terrible paroxysms of tonic and clonic spasms, strongly marked opisthotones, cramping of limbs, coldness of extremities, intense pain at the base of the brain, intolerance of light, sometimes complete unconsciousness; the paroxysms being frequently followed by partial paralysis of the right side. She also suffered from a large cellulitis tumor. At times the case responded readily to the treatment given; at other times, she grew rapidly worse for several days; the attack culminating in a paroxysm, followed by more or less paralysis. Such an attack occurred from the 21st to the 25th of January, 1886, although not so severe as some she had had. The morning of the 26th, she was unable to turn herself in bed, and had not stood upon her feet for five months. The details of her sudden restoration, which occurred that afternoon, she can best give in her own language. She rode about a mile the next evening, in a cutter, to prayer-meeting, walked down the aisle like a girl of eighteen, and from a condition of emaciation, rapidly gained in flesh and appearance. I made an examination March 5, 1886, and found the cellulitis tumor gone. More than a year has now passed away, and she is and has been apparently in the most perfect health. There has been no recurrence of her sufferings during the past year.
A.M. HUTCHINSON, M. D., Waseca, Minn.
For two weeks before my restoration I was unable to turn myself in bed, or to feed myself. All that time my right side was helpless, and I was rapidly sinking. On the 25th of January, I was taken with convulsions, though not so severe as on some previous occasions.
My physician was with me until midnight, when I grew easier. On the morning of the 26th, I felt better, until about seven o’clock, when I commenced to feel much worse. I suffered intensely, and could feel the terrible convulsions coming back. While I was in such pain, my husband received some statements of “faith-cure,” which an unknown friend had sent, and he commenced reading one; saying it might make the time pass more rapidly if I could bear the reading. I was not at all interested at first, for I knew nothing of such things; I had heard of a few cases, but they were all so far away, I set them aside as something I could not understand. But this was an account of a lady whose disease was just enough like mine to hold my attention, and he read it to the close. I was too ill to think much, but I could see it was no made up story, and wondered if God would really do such things.
At 12:40 P.M. my husband went out, leaving me in the care of an attendant, who was in an adjoining room. I began to wonder if it were possible the Lord could have healing for me. I had not, in all my sickness, asked Him for health. But now I seemed to be led to make the request: “Lord, if thou hast this healing for me, give it to me now and instantly a voice said: “In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, arise and walk!” and I was thrilled through and through with sensations impossible to describe. While I was wondering, the command was repeated in the same words. But I did not feel returning strength, and the terrible pain still remained. So I said aloud: “But I haven’t the strength, Lord; give me the strength, and I will get up;” and again the same voice said: “In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, arise and walk “ Then I made an effort to arise; it was more a mental effort than anything else; but I rose like a feather, and stood upon my feet. All pain ceased the first moment for months. It was just one o’clock. I commenced to say: “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief,” and prayed it continually. Then I sat down on the side of the bed, and raising my arms above my head, used the paralyzed side freely.
A swelling the size of an egg was gone, and everything inside of me seemed to be changing position, and recreating sensations impossible to describe were felt all through me.
Then I got up and walked a few steps, and turned and looked at the bed, and the medicine beside it, and I commenced to sink to the floor. But I asked for more strength, and received it, and went on around the bed to the center of the room, when I thought I would have my clothes brought, and dress. But when I would have called the nurse, the impression was received (not in an audible voice): “It is enough, you have seen the power of God, go back to bed;“ and I obeyed.
Upon returning to bed, I reconsecrated myself to God, and begged Him to complete His will in me; and if He could better use me as a sufferer, to let me suffer, but only glorify Himself in me; and I received the assurance that He would. Soon after the nurse brought me some food. I surprised her very much by feeding myself, and my stomach, which had previously rejected all food, retained it now with ease.
Now my husband came in, looking so disconsolate, and prepared to find me much worse than when he left me. I need not attempt to tell of his joy and surprise upon hearing what God had done for me in his absence; you can better imagine it. When he had returned thanks, I requested him to go for my physician.
Doctor was not in town, and I did not see him until evening. His first words upon entering my room were: “Glory to God!” and he returned thanks to God for His marvelous work, as only a thoroughly consecrated Christian could; not reserving a particle of credit for the cure, but giving all glory and honor to God. He forbade all medicine. That night I arose and knelt at the bedside in prayer. I slept that night, as I have every night since, like a babe. I never had such refreshing sleep. I had had no natural sleep during my sickness.
The next morning I arose and dressed, unassisted, and walked out to breakfast; ate heartily, and in the evening I rode nearly a mile to our weekly prayer-meeting, and told how great things the Lord had done for me. My strength returned gradually. For days I could not stand upon my feet without first asking for strength; and if I were standing, and would for aj instant take my mind off Christ, I would commence to sink to the floor. All functions were naturally resumed without any pain whatever.
Tumors and all inflammation were all dispelled, and I was a well woman. Several times I had severe paroxysms of pain, but I would go right to God, and he-would remove them at once.
My right side was much shrunken, and shorter than the other. When I stood upon my left foot, the toes of my right foot touched the floor. That, however, stretched out gradually as I used my limbs. It is now more than a year since I was restored. I have done all my work since the first of June. I ask for strength for a day at a time, and God helps me over all the hard places.
I have not had a sick day since my restoration. I have had severe colds several times, but they have been removed by resorting to my new found Physician; and I have not taken a drop of medicine since the 26th of January, 1886, neither have I done anything for myself in a medicinal way. God has done it all.
Satan has tried many times to tempt me, but the Sword of the Spirit, when presented, proves too much for him. I have written this for the glory of God, and trust He will bless it. — Mrs. Alice B. Claghorn, in Michigan Holiness Record.