Alice and Frank are
bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know, we could make a
lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they finish, there’s such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?”
A Class By Himself
An elderly man is stopped by
the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
*** DO NOT WASH YOU HAIR IN THE SHOWER ***
It’s so good to finally get
a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your
body while you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t
figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:
“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:
“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
John went to
visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of
Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next
morning John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up, the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret. I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car!”
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”
Grin And Bear It
bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Mama
and Papa Bear were splitting up, and Baby Bear had to decide who he was going
to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to Baby Bear to see what he thought
about living with either of his parents.
When he asked Baby Bear about living with his father, Baby Bear said, “No, I can’t live with Papa Bear. He beats me terribly.”
“OK,” said the judge, “then you want to live with your mother, right?”
“No way!” replied Baby Bear. “She beats me worse than Papa Bear does.”
The judge was a bit confused by this and didn’t quite know what to do. “Well, you have to live with someone, so is there another relative you would like to stay with?” asked the judge.
“Yes,” answered Baby Bear, “my aunt Bertha Bear, who lives in Chicago.”
“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.
“Oh, definitely,” said Baby Bear. “The Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”
Picking Up Iron
gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.
The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”
When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”
Q: Did you hear about the man who had
BO on one side only?
A: He bought Right Guard, but couldn’t find any Left Guard!
Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.
Opportunity To Vent
Smitty was a
heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had
trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined
spaces, and besides, he didn’t have to be paid.
One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.
“No problem,” replied Smitty, “I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!”
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’
She had been
shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this
beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside.
The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry
to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there
under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some
patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am
always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens
washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so
carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in.
“Mom, let’s run through the rain,”she said.
“Let’s run through the rain!” She repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit, ”Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said. Then off they ran.
We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.