Poor Leroy had fallen on hard times. He lost his job at the fertilizer plant, his wife had left him, his unemployment had run out, and he was evicted from his apartment. He packed what little he had in a knapsack, made a little sign that read “Will work for food” and set off down the road on foot.
Toward the middle of the day, he came to a farmhouse. He was getting very hungry, and so he knocked on the front door. A woman answered, and Leroy explained his situation, and how he could do most anything and how hungry he was.
At first the woman wanted no part of Leroy, but he persisted. Finally she asked “Can you paint?”
“Oh yes, ma’am,” Leroy said, “I sure can paint. I’ve done a lot of painting. Just let me show you.” The woman relented, found a can of paint and a brush and said, “You go around back and paint the porch, and I’ll fix you dinner.” Happily, Leroy went to work.
About 40 minutes later, Leroy appeared at the front door. “Are you finished so soon?” asked the woman.
“Oh yes, ma’am,” said Leroy, “but I think you ought to know that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Volvo.”
In a courtroom, a purse-snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.
She says, “Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.”
At which point, the defendant bursts out, “You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”
Guilty as Charged
Q and A
Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: The juve-niles!
Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!
Q: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A: A jelly button.
Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.
Putting Up A Fight
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, “Why did you put up such a fight?”
To which the man promptly replied, “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
Better off Dirty
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom and Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an “I-told-you-so”, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!”
A WOULD-BE MURDERER’S ARM PARALYZED
A prominent minister in Canada relates the following remarkable instance of God’s miraculous care over His people: “I am frequently impressed by the Spirit, to perform actions, at the time unaccountable to myself. These impressions are so vivid that I dare not disobey them.
“Some time ago, on a stormy night, I was suddenly impressed to go to the distant house of an aged couple, and there to pray. So imperative was the call, that I harnessed the horse and drove to the spot, fastened the horse to the shed, and entered the house unperceived by a door, which had been left open.
There, kneeling down, I poured out my petitions to God, in an audible voice, for the divine protection over the inmates; after which I departed and returned home.
Months after, I was visiting one of the principle prisons in Canada, and moving amongst the prisoners, was accosted by one of them, who claimed to know me.
I had no recollection of the convict, and was fairly startled when the latter said: “Do you remember going to such a house one night, and offering prayer for the inmates?”
I told him I did, and asked how he came to know anything about it. He said: “I had gone to that house to steal a sum of money, known to be in the possession of the old man. When you drove into the yard, I though you were he, and intended to kill you while you were hitching your horses. I saw when you spoke to the horse that you were a stranger. I followed you into the house, and heard your prayer. You prayed God to protect the old people from violence of any kind and especially from murder; and if there was any hand uplifted to strike them, that it ought be paralyzed.” Then time prisoner pointed to his right arm, which hung lifeless by his side, saying: Do you see that arm? It was paralyzed on the spot, and I have never moved it since.
Of course I left the place without doing any harm, but am here now, for other offenses.”
— Reported by Lily Blake Blakeney Howe.