4th Of July Jokes
How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America? ….Because freedom rings.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?……… It can’t sit down.
Where did our first president keep his mice?… Mt. Vermin
What do you call an AWESOME American drawing by a child?… A Yankee Doodle Dandy!
Robert: What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
John: I don’t know.
Q: What gives web footed birds certain inalienable rights?
A: The Ducklaration of Independence.
What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?…My pop’s bigger than your pop.
What is Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?… Fire crackers
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. ‘We live in a great country,’ she announced. ‘One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.’
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, ‘I’m not free. I’m four.’
Patriotic Pickup Line: On a Scale from 1 to America, How Free Are You Tonight?
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?”
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
A grandson went up to his grandpa and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”
A few minutes later the granddaughter came up and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”
“No. Why do you kids keep asking me if I can talk like a frog?”
“Because Dad said, ‘When grandpa croaks, we can go to Disneyland.”’
Q: Why was Cinderella not good at football?
A: Because she had a pumpkin as a coach.
Q: What’s the first thing you know?
A: Ol’ Jed’s a millionaire.
Only in America
- Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
5. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our junk in the garage. Hello.
The Inscription on the Statue of Liberty, written by Emma Lazarus
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me;
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.
No King But Jesus!
The Colonists grew in their resilience and confidence in God, to the point where one Crown-appointed Governor wrote of the condition to the Board of Trade back in England: “If you ask an American who is his master? He will tell you he has none, nor any governor but Jesus Christ.”
The Committees of Correspondence soon began sounding the cry across the Colonies: “No King but King Jesus!”
From America’s God and Country Encyclopedia of Quotations, William J. Federer, Fame Publishing.
“It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible.”
– George Washington
1 Timothy 2:1-4
- Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men,
2. for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence.
3. for this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior,
4. who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
“In reading over the Constitutions of all fifty of our states, I discovered something which some of you may not know: there is in all fifty, without exception, an appeal or a prayer to the Almighty God of the universe…. Through all fifty state Constitutions, without exception, there runs this same appeal and reference to God who is the Creator of our liberties and the preserver of our freedoms.”
– D. James Kennedy
“I speak as a man of the world to men of the world; and I say to you, Search the Scriptures! The Bible is the book of all others, to be read at all ages, and in all conditions of human life; not to be read once or twice or thrice through, and then laid aside, but to be read in small portions of one of two chapters every day, and never to be intermitted, unless by some overruling necessity.”
– John Quincy Adams
“Under God” and the Pledge of Allegiance
The words “under God were taken from Abraham Lincoln’s famous Gettysburg Address, “…that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth…” and were added to the Pledge of Allegiance on June 14, 1954 by a joint resolution of Congress, 243 (Public Law 83-396). (The Pledge was initially adopted by the 79th Congress on
December 28, 1945, as Public Law 287.) On June 14, 1954, President Eisenhower signed into law the pledge:
“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which is stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
President Eisenhower gave his support to the Congressional Act, which added the phrase, “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance, saying:
“In this way we are reaffirming the transcendence of religious faith in America’s heritage and future; in this way we shall constantly strengthen those spiritual weapons which forever will be our country’s most powerful resource in peace and war.”
President Eisenhower then stood on the steps of the Capitol Building and recited the Pledge of Allegiance for the first time with the phrase, “one nation under God.”
From America’s God and Country Encyclopedia of Quotations, William J. Federer, Fame Publishing.
“My County, ‘Tis of Thee” was written by a Baptist minister, Samuel Francis Smith.
“The Pledge of Allegience” was written in 1892 by a Baptist minister, Francis Bellamy.
The words “In God We Trust” are traced to the efforts of Rev. W.R. Watkinson.
During the dark days of the American Revolution, when the Continental Army had experienced several setbacks, a farmer who lived near the battlefield approached Washington’s camp unheard. Suddenly his ears caught an earnest voice raised in agonizing prayer. On coming nearer he saw it was the great General, down on his knees in the snow, his cheeks wet with tears. He was asking God for assistance and guidance. The farmer crept away and returned home. He said to his family, “Its going to be all right. We are going to win!” “What makes you think so?” his wife asked. “Well,” said the farmer, “I heard General Washington pray out in the woods today—such fervent prayer I have never heard. And God will surely hear and answer that kind of praying.” And the farmer was right! It happened because Washington put his hope in God.
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” – Thomas Paine
In June of 1863, just weeks before the battle of Gettysburg, a college president asked Abraham Lincoln if he thought the country would survive. President Lincoln replied: “I do not doubt that our country will finally come through safe and undivided. But do not misunderstand me… I do not rely on the patriotism of our people… the bravery and devotion of the boys in blue… (or) the loyalty and skill of our generals… But the God of our Fathers, Who raised up this country to be the refuge and asylum of the oppressed and the downtrodden of all nations will not let it perish now. I may not live to see it… I do not expect to see it, but God will bring us through safe.”
“Finally, let us not forget the religious character of our origin. Our fathers were brought hither by their high veneration for the Christian religion. They journeyed by its light, and labored in its hope. They sought to incorporate its principles with the elements of their society, and to diffuse its influence through all their institutions, civil, political, or literary. Let us cherish these sentiments, and extend this influence still more widely; in full conviction that that is the happiest society which partakes in the highest degree of the mild and peaceful spirit of Christianity.”
– Daniel Webster.
The United States of America is 242 years old today (July 4, 2018). That’s a long time for a nation to remain free. But, when you take the long, historical view, America is just a CHILD among the nations. Egypt, China, Japan, Rome, or Greece all make America’s history seem so short. Consider what a brief time we’ve really been here as a nation: When Thomas Jefferson died, Abraham Lincoln was a young man of 17. When Lincoln was assassinated, Woodrow Wilson was a boy of 8. By the time the nation mourned the death of President Wilson, Ronald Reagan was a boy of 12.