The Love of God
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.”Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”
The pastor was thrilled. “Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why.”
“Because it endured forever.”
Random Thought on Exercise: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
No Jacks Allowed
WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, MICH. — All someone said was “Hi, Jack!” but at a suburban Detroit airport, that was enough to create a crisis.
A microphone happened to be on Monday when someone greeted the co-pilot aboard a corporate jet, and the tower heard “hijack,” police Lieutenant Rick Crigger said.
Oakland International Airport tower officials called the Waterford police.
They in turn called in a whole extra shift of police, the Oakland County Sheriff’s department SWAT team, the FBI and other federal authorities.
The plane was told to return to the tower, and the pilot’s identification was checked.
“I like false alarms like that,” Police Chief John Dean said. “They are good for training purposes. Nobody was hurt and they were just delayed a few minutes.”
Once the alarm was over, the law officers could laugh about it.
“They’ll probably pass a rule that no one named Jack can ever be hired in aviation again,” said Waterford Captain Chuck Jehle.
A Sunday school teacher asked little Johnny who the first man in the Bible was.
“Hoss,” said Johnny.
“Wrong,” said the teacher. “It was Adam.”
“Shucks!” Johnny replied. “I knew it was one of them Cartwrights.”
Top 5 Responses If Caught Sleeping on The Job
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.
Pupil: What channel is it on?
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township.
Q: What do you give a man who has everything?
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck
Mrs. Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and that he remembered Pete, and it was certainly too bad he had passed away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars, but she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and said he would give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Monaghan sincerely thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
“Pete died. Boat for sale”.
A group of women were at a seminar on ‘how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands’. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, Sweetheart!” Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
- Who the “h” is this?
- Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
- Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
- What now? Did you wreck the car again?
- I don’t understand what you mean?
- What the “h” did you do now?
- Don’t beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
- Am I dreaming?
- If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10 I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11 Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. The flashing red in his rear view mirror insisted he pull over quickly, but Jack let the car coast.
Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
He slumped into his seat, the collar of his trench coat covering his ears. He tapped the steering wheel, doing his best to look bored, his eyes on the mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jack was tempted to leave the window shut long enough to gain the psychological edge but decided on a different tack. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he’d never seen in uniform.
“Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.”
“Hello, Jack.” No smile.
“Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.”
‘Yeah, I guess.” Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
“I’ve seen some long days at the office lately. I’m afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once.” Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. “Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?”
“I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.”
Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
“What’d you clock me at?”
“Seventy-one. Would you sit back in your car, please?”
“Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.”
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
“Please, Jack, in the car.”
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn’t he asked for a driver’s license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
“Thanks.” Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his car without a word.
Jack watched his retreat in the mirror, bottom teeth scratching his upper lip. When Bob vanished inside his car, Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
Once upon a time, I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it – a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them.
I only had one, and I’m going to have to wait until heaven before I can ever hug her again.
A thousand times I’ve tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had, Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left.
Jack shifted uncomfortably in his trench coat. Then he twisted around in time to see Bob’s car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he, too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.