The Substitute

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”

He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”



“It’s So Hot In Texas That……”

*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.


“It’s So Dry In Texas That…”

*The cows are giving evaporated milk.

*The trees are whistling for the dogs.

*A sad Texan once prayed, “I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”


“You Know You’re In Texas When…”

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


A Bad Day

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I’d been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

“I’m usually very careful about my speed,” I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. “Sir,” he said gruffly, “this is not your registration.”

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.


Just Watch

Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. “It’s time for you to go,” he answered triumphantly.


A Good Knight’s Sleep

We had invited our friends William and Samantha to our home to watch a video, and William’s 94-year-old mother accompanied them. During the show we noticed William nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it startled him awake. He jumped up and told his wife it was time to leave as his mother must be getting tired. Grandma tapped his hand and pointed out to him who was really tired.

She then looked at me. “Dear,” she said, “the next time you invite me, I’ll be sure to leave the children at home.”


Measured Thinking

If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following:

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.


Q: What happened when the wheel was invented?

A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?

A: In sundae school.


Kids Stuff

A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom, I KNOW they’re my feet.”

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”
A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

My mother can predict the future with cards

Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.


Meeting with God

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey. When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her a Twinkie. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was, and he got up to leave but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever. When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy?” He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But, before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? She’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, “Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?” She replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” But, before her son responded, she added, “You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”