The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?
Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in?
I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you people don’t let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop.”
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst-Apocalypse-Ever!
People keep asking: “Is Coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.
Home school Day 1: I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?
The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner.
Bible: From A Child’s View Point of View
The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Jesus had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Q: Why are handcuffs like cheap souvenirs?
A: They’re both two wrist trap
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
* Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers)
* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. (Goethe)
* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)
* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking. (George Patton)
* Planning without action is futile; action without planning is fatal. (Unknown)
* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation. (Proverb)
* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
– Plumber “We repair what your husband Fixed.”
– plumbing company “Don’t sleep with a drip, call your plumber.”
– Door of a plastic surgeons office: “Hello, can we pick your nose?”
– At A Laundry Shop “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
– At a Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
– In a Nonsmoking Area ” If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
– On Maternity Room Door “Push, Push, Push.”
– At an Optometrists Office “If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
– On a Taxidermist’s window “We really know our stuff.”
– In a Podiatrist’s office “Time wounds all heels.”
– Outside a Muffler Shop “No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
– In a Veterinarians waiting room “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”
– In a Restaurant window “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
– Inside a Bowling Alley “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
You Got Questions: We Got Answers
Q: Who are some of the werewolves’ cousins?
A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
Q: Why are Venetian blinds the greatest invention in the history of mankind?
A: If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds, it would have been curtains for all of us
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones’ chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.
Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David’s. She placed the disk over his heart. “Listen,” she said, “what do you suppose that is?”
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.
Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. “Is that Jesus knocking?” he asked.
“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:20)
THE STONE CHAIR.
On Thanksgiving morning, six young men stood in quiet conversation, on the corner of Clark and Washington streets, in the great and busy city of Chicago.
“I propose a walk out to Graceland, the beautiful city of the dead.” Thus spoke the leader of the company; and all agreeing, they journeyed forth. There are many beautiful monuments in that quiet city; and many a noted one from among the learned and the wealthy, from bank and store, from pulpit and bar, from church and state, has been borne there to rest; but the visit of these six young men at this time to this land of sacred, dust, is not for the purpose of the great and grand monuments, or visiting the graves of the rich. They have reached the beautiful entrance of Graceland, and, passing under the imposing archway through which a stream of sorrow flows day by day and hour by hour, they turn to the right; and following the principal drive for little more than a block, they reach an elevation where they stop to rest and meditate. And for these young men there is no more appropriate spot on earth to meditate than just here.
Reader, even though you are not interested, yet perhaps you would like to see and know something of this spot. Then draw near, see the place, and hear the words of these young men. It is a small, three-cornered lot, forming an almost perfect equilateral triangle, with three oak trees, one standing near each of the angles. Near the center of the lot is a single grave, that all through the summer months resembled a bed of the richest flowers; but today the flowers are gone, and two well-wrapped rosebushes are all that remain of the summer beauties. When the foliage is full upon the trees, this grave is covered with their mellow shadow all the day. At the head of the grave is a plain low head-stone of Italian marble. On the south end of the stone are these letters, “Sec. W.F.M.S.; ” on the top of the stone the letters, ” S. E. F.,” and just beneath these, in large letters, “ Dear Mama.” On the front of this stone arc these words: ” Resting in the Everlasting Arms.” Near the head of the grave and immediately under one of the trees, is a rustic chair, cut out of solid stone, that extends its mute invitation to every weary, sorrowing pilgrim to stop and rest.
Reader, do you ask whose dust lies here? Let these young men answer. The leader of the company says
“Here lies the dust of a holy woman, who found me two years ago, a stranger in the great city of Chicago-a stranger to all the people, but what was much more, a stranger to God. That lady invited me into her Bible-class, and though my garments were threadbare, she invited me to her home. She talked with me of Jesus and the better life. She pointed out to me the way up to a noble manhood, and by her leading I was constrained to give my heart to God; and this day Jesus is mine, and l am his.”
“And I,” says a second of these young men, “well remember the day when I landed in Chicago, a perfect stranger, direct from England. On my first Sabbath in the city, I was invited by a young man whose acquaintance I had made, to visit this lady’s Bible-class. I hath no sooner entered the church than she had me by the hand, inquired of me whence I came, where I lived, and invited me to become a member of her class. Her sweet womanliness, her face of sunshine, and the music of her voice, charmed me into obedience to her wishes. I was constrained first to give my name to the class; afterward I gave my heart to God, and my name to the church. Praise God for such a friend”
A third young man speaks, and says “I came to Chicago from Toronto, Canada. I, too, was homeless and friendless. I heard of this lady, and her work for young men who were strangers in the city. I went to her class, and the first Sabbath took a back seat, and strove to hide myself but the eyes of this lady missed no young man who appeared to be alone or friendless. At the close of the lesson she came to me, and, as if I were her own son, she sat down beside me, and questioned me concerning my temporal and spiritual condition. I told her I had once been a Christian, and a member of the church, but that I had wandered far away into sin. She looked me in the face and said, while the big tears stood in her eyes “My Jesus is anxiously hunting and calling for his wandering sheep; let me lead you back into the fold.” Yes; and she did lead me back into the fold, and this day I am one of the Great Shepherd’s flock.”
“I will tell you how it was with me,” said a fourth. “I came from my Iowa home, and found myself in Chicago, without friends, without money, and without work. After tramping from early one morning until four o’clock in the afternoon without finding work, and without anything to eat, I called at this lady’s home, and asked for something to eat.
She gave me a little work to do, and while I was doing the work she ordered a dinner prepared for me. While I was eating, she questioned me as to my home, my purpose in the city, and my religious life. She said little at that time about my religious life, but finding me desirous to find work, she exerted herself for me; and through her influence, in two days I had a situation which I have been able to hold from that time to this. After she had found me good work with fair pay, she invited me into her class and her home, and afterwards she led me to Christ.”
“And I,” said the fifth young man, “have more reason to thank God for this lady than ye all. Two years ago I was a poor drunkard. This lady found me at the Young Men’s Christian Association rooms, and asked me to call at her home. She prayed with me, she entreated me for Jesus’ sake, for my dear mother’s sake, and for my own sake, to reform. She induced me to sign the pledge; placed her hands upon my head, and offered, oh such a prayer for me. Then and there new strength came into my life; and from that day to this, by the grace of God, I have been able to live a sober life. Boys, I tell you, this dear woman was a mother to me.”
The sixth young man spoke and said “ Under God, all I am today, or hope to be in the days to come, I owe to this noble woman. No wonder they have cut the name ‘Dear Mamma’ on the headstone, for she was a mother to us all.”
The leader said : “You see on the head-stone, ‘Resting in the Everlasting Arms.’ This reminds us that she sang, Safe in the Arms of Jesus.’ Boys, let us sing that hymn.”
And they did sing it, with the tears streaming down their cheeks; after which they kneeled around the silent grave, and in voiceless prayer gave themselves anew to God.
Reader, would you know whose dust lies here? Over the back of the rustic chair hangs a scroll; draw near and read: “Born, July, 1838; “ ” Departed, April, 1883.” Read on: “ Her work for God and humanity is her monument.” Whose dust lies here? Alt this is the grave of Sara Houghton Fawcett. And these young men, whom she had led to Jesus, came hither this Thanksgiving day, to offer their tribute of praise and thanksgiving to God for the memory they have of the blessed woman whose dust rests here by the chair of stone. She is not dead -“not dead, but departed.”
“There is no death! What seems so is transition,
This life of mortal breath
Is but a suburb of the life Elysian,
Whose portal we call Death.”