The French Thief
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out passed security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
Q: What’s the best parting gift?
A: A comb.
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Losing Its Bark
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”
Q: Is this pool safe for diving?
A: It deep ends.
A recent Govt. study, had found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Toronto to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that: The lookout crow could say “Cah,” but could not say, “Truck.”
A Complete Answer
A college professor asked his class a question.
“If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1,000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2,000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?”
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, “Professor you’re 44.”
The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”
The student said, “You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy.”
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him “I am 62.” My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond; I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard; we rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?’ “You’re both old,” he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. When he asked what she was doing, she told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘I and add ‘es’.”
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
I Am Not Old
I am not old…she said
I am rare.
I am the standing ovation
At the end of the play.
I am the retrospective
Of my life as art
I am the hours
Connected like dots
Into good sense
I am the fullness
You think I am waiting to die…
But I am waiting to be found
I am a treasure.
I am a map.
And these wrinkles are
Imprints of my journey
Ask me anything.
The Perfect Mistake
My mother’s father worked as a carpenter. On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes his church was sending to orphanages in China. On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his glasses, but they were gone. When he mentally replayed his earlier actions, he realized what had happened; the glasses had slipped out of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he had nailed shut. His brand new glasses were heading for China!
The Great Depression was at its height and Grandpa had six children. He had spent $20 for those glasses that very morning. He was really upset by the thought of having to buy another pair. “It’s not fair,” he told God as he drove home in frustration. “I’ve been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work, and now this.”
Months later, the director of the orphanage was on furlough in the United States. He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China, so he came to speak one Sunday at my grandfather’s small church in Chicago.
The missionary began by thanking the people for their faithfulness in supporting the orphanage. “But most of all,” he said, “I must thank you for the glasses you sent last year. You see, the Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying everything, including my glasses. I was desperate. Even if I had the money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses. Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this. Then your crates arrived. When my staff removed the covers, they found a pair of glasses wedged between two blankets.
The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in. Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued: “Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as though they had been custom made just for me! I want to thank you for being a part of that.”
The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses. But the missionary surely must have confused their church with another, they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items to be sent overseas. But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face, an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in an extraordinary way.
There are times we want to blame God instead of thanking him! Perhaps it is something we ought to try more often, “Thank you, God, for not allowing my car to start this morning.” He may have been saving your life from a car accident. “Lord Jesus, thank you for letting me lose my glasses; I’m sure they’ll be put to good use or there is a lesson to be learned.”
Always look for the “perfect mistakes.”
God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. – Phil 4:19