Q: Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: Because he was too far out man!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell?
A: A Real Hum-dinger.
The Doctor of Notre Dame
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
K 9 KID
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
The Tooth Fairy “Caught”
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “I caught you!”
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow–but her next words let me off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
JESSIE FINDING JESUS
A little girl in a wretched tenement in New York stood by her mother’s death-bed, and heard her last words: “Jessie, find Jesus.”
When her mother was buried, her father took to drink, and Jessie was left to such care as a poor neighbor could give her.
One day she wandered off unmissed, with a little basket in her hand, and tugged through one street after another, not knowing where she went. She had started out to find Jesus. At last she stopped, from utter weariness, in front of a saloon. A young man staggered out of the door, and almost stumbled over her. He uttered passionately the name of Him whom she was seeking. “ Where is He?” she inquired eagerly.
He looked at her in amazement.
“What did you say?“ he asked.
“Will you please tell me where Jesus Christ is? For I must find Him “ – this time with great earnestness.
The young man looked at her curiously for a minute without speaking, and then his face sobered; and he said in a broken, husky voice, hopelessly: “I don’t know, child; I don’t know where he is.” At length the little girl’s wanderings brought her to the park. A woman, evidently a Jewess, was leaning against the railing, looking disconsolately at the green grass and the trees.
Jessie went up to her timidly. “Perhaps she can tell me where he is,” was the child’s thought. In a low, hesitating voice, she asked the woman: “Do you know Jesus Christ?”
The Jewess turned fiercely to face her questioner, and in a tone of suppressed passion, exclaimed: “Jesus Christ is dead!” Poor Jessie trudged on, but soon a rude boy jostled against her, and snatching her basket from her hand, threw it into the street. Crying, she ran to pick it up. The horses of a passing streetcar trampled her under their feet and she knew no more till she found herself stretched on a hospital bed.
When the doctors came that night, they knew she could not live until morning. In the middle of the night, after she had been lying very still for a long time, apparently asleep, she suddenly opened her eyes, and the nurse, bending over her, heard her whisper, while her face lighted up with a smile that had some of heaven’s own gladness in it: “O Jesus, I have found you at last!“
Then the tiny lips were hushed, but the questioning spirit had received an answer. –Selected.
In the early part of the summer of 1882, while we were holding a camp-meeting at C—-, a drunken mob came on the ground, and disturbed the meeting by their profanity and quarreling. They came armed with revolvers, and were determined to break up the meeting. Not having anticipated any such difficulty, no police force had been provided. Our words of expostulation were unheeded, and they went so far as to yell and blaspheme, and shake their fists in the faces of the leaders of the meeting. So great was the disturbance, that for a time the services were entirely suspended, and there was certainly imminent danger that the meeting would be completely broken up.
Realizing that God’s help alone could give to His children victory, in the midst of the excitement we went to the woods, and in sobs and tears, fell upon our face. God gave us great help of the Spirit in prayer, and we told Him how we were holding the meeting for His glory and the salvation of souls, and unless He came to our rescue, great reproach would be brought upon His cause.
We obtained evidence that God would deliver, and hastened back to the camp, called for order, and began to exhort the people in the power of the Spirit. A halo of glory came over the meeting. Wicked men turned pale, and acknowledged the wonderful change. Many began to weep, while some of God’s children shouted for joy, and many were prostrate under the power of God.
Defeat was changed to almost unthought of victory, and during all that night the workers were kept busy praying with seekers, and many were saved. Not until the light of the morning dawned could they find time for rest; and the two remaining days of the meeting were days of triumph.
So great was the conviction that some who repeatedly tried to leave were constrained to return, and yield themselves to God. One man said he was determined not to yield, and for the third time started to leave the grounds; but God showed him that this, if rejected, would be his last chance for salvation. So, at about two o’clock in the morning, he came to the altar, and was gloriously saved. — Editor.