ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON HOSPITAL CHARTS
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities..
- Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.
* Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
* The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
* A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
* There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
* When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
* What will today’s younger generation tell their children they had to do “without”?
* People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
Q: What did the bee say when he returned to the hive?
A: Honey, I’m home!
Q: What is the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle!
Q: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
A: The one on the range.
School is Swell
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter, son,” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “It’s my grades. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean ‘all wet?'”
“I mean,” he replied, “below C-level.”
The Nine Notables
- Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend a guy $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Never buy a car you can’t push.
- Never put both feet in your mouth, then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest, ‘Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’
‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
An anthropologist proposed a game to the kids in an African tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the kids that who ever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run they all took each others hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats. When he asked them why they had run like that as one could have had all the fruits for himself they said: “UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the other ones are sad?”
‘UBUNTU’ in the Xhosa culture means: “I am because we are”
It Was Handed To You
One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview.
The director discovered from his CV that the youth’s academic achievements were excellent. He asked, “Did you obtain any scholarships in school?” the youth answered “no.”
“Was it your father who paid for your school fees?”
“My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.” he replied.
“Where did your mother work?”
“My mother worked as a clothes cleaner.”
The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
“Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?”
“Never…my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.”
The director said, “I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother’s hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.”
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son.
The youth cleaned his mother’s hands slowly. His tears fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother’s hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises in the mother’s hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future.
After cleaning his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director’s office.
The Director noticed the tears in the youth’s eyes, when he asked: “Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?”
The youth answered, “I cleaned my mother’s hands, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes.
“I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping one’s family.”
The director said, “This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life.
“You are hired.