Bank Robbery Is A Safe Job
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory – I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!
A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if
he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to McDonald’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?”
A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They crack themselves up
Sounds Like A Winner
A group of Congressmen were playing a trivia board game
one night. When it one representative’s turn, he rolled the dice and landed on
“Science & Nature.”
His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
He thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
If you answer the phone with, “Hello? You’re on the air!” most telemarketers will hang up.
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife
The mother-in-law dies.
So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
“We’ll ship her home,” says the guy.
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Q: Why do bakers go to
work so early in the morning?
A: They knead the dough!
Q: What does a
houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township.
Q: What did the digital
clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look, Grandpa, no hands!
Q: Did you hear about
the bed bugs who fell in love?
A: They’re getting married in the spring!
An Acrobat, A Wheelbarrow, and a Challenge of Faith
Can you imagine a tightrope stretched over a quarter of a mile and spanning the breadth of Niagara Falls? The thundering sound of the pounding water drowning out all other sounds as you watch a man step onto the rope and walk across!
This stunning feat made Charles Blondin famous in the summer of 1859. He walked 160 feet above the falls several times back and forth between Canada and the United States as huge crowds on both sides looked on with shock and awe. Once he crossed in a sack, once on stilts, another time on a bicycle, and once he even carried a stove and cooked an omelet!
On July 15, Blondin walked backward across the
tightrope to Canada and returned pushing a wheelbarrow.
The Blondin story is told that it was after pushing a wheelbarrow across while blindfolded that Blondin asked for some audience participation. The crowds had watched and “Ooooohed” and “Aaaaahed!” He had proven that he could do it; of that, there was no doubt. But now he was asking for a volunteer to get into the wheelbarrow and take a ride across the Falls with him!
It is said that he asked his audience, “Do you believe I can carry a person across in this wheelbarrow?” Of course the crowd shouted that yes, they believed!
It was then that Blondin posed the question – “Who will get in the wheelbarrow?’
Of course…none did.
(Later in August of 1859, his manager, Harry Colcord, did ride on Blondin’s back across the Falls.)