When I’m an old lady and live with my kids

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness…just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!


I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,

And I’ll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!


When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,

I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,


When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry…I’ll run…if I’m able!


I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,

I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud ’til the end of the day!


And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,

I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”


Long Distance Quiz

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

Her little brother piped up: “Are you gonna let her go, Mom??”



History Revised

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”

Next they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618.

“Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent.

“Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.

The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”


Kids Stories

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man’s hand, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.

One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. “No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded by her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!”


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”


Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.”

“Why?” he asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”


Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases.

One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Nothing but blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”


Heavenly Arrival

An elderly man stood respectfully and sorrowfully at the graveside.

His departed wife’s service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

Jesus and the Mud Puddle

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago.

His 6-year-old grandson, Mikey, had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad.

The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.

Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.

‘Mikey, what happened?’ Sheriff Marr asked.

Mikey replied, ‘Well, Papaw, I was fishin’ with Dad, and some lady runned me over. I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin’ pole and I didn’t get to catch no fish!’

As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and in to the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone, which had broken in two places. Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine.

Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-Mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out. The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.

When they were alone Mikey, just as matter-of-fact, said, ‘Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?’

‘Well,’ the Sheriff replied, a little startled, ‘Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts.’

‘No,’ said Mikey. ‘I mean Jesus is REALLY real.’

‘What do you mean?’ asked the Sheriff.

‘I know he’s real ’cause I saw him,’ said Mikey, still casting into the trash can.

‘You did?’ said the Sheriff.

‘Yep,’ said Mikey. ‘When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle.’