Was He Dead?
In a murder
trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Think About It
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: He was getting the latest scoop.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.
Fangs For The Memories
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was
to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It
was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very
seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who
knew how to make butter and buttermilk.
One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.
The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.
Two painters, one an old man and the other a
youngster, were painting a very large home. It was getting late in the day when
they reached the second floor.
There ahead of them was a very long corridor. The older painter said, I’ve had enough for one day I quit. How about you?
With that the younger painter headed toward the corridor and said, Not me Im in this for the long hall.
The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying
to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a
coworker to see if she could do any better.
Lo and behold, the otter was walking backwards.
He asked her, “How did you do that?”
“Simple,” she said, “You put one foot in front of the otter.”
It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.
The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of Cabbage be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.
He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.
Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:
A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he a large old dry leaf fell out. He quickly ran to his mom and said, “Look what I found mom!”
The mom asked, “What is it”?
“I think it’s Adams underwear”, replied the boy.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.
“In my house,” said the little girl, “when handwriting appears on the wall it’s not a miracle, it’s the work of my little brother.”
A very intoxicated man stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the Pastor. He notices him and says, “Friend, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The intoxicated gentleman looks back and says, “Yes, Pastor, I sure am.”
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
“Have you found Jesus?” the Pastor asks.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the man.
The Pastor then dunks him under again, brings him up, and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo”, trying to catch his breath, said the man
Once again the Pastor dunks the man this time a little longer then brings him out of the water, and says, “Certainly, now you have found Jesus?”
Almost suffocated the man wipes his eyes and says to the Pastor, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A Glass of Milk
One day, a poor boy, who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you? “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”
He said… “Then I thank you from my heart.”
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was stronger also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many years later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to
see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words…..
“Paid in full with one glass of milk.” — Signed — Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank you, God , that Your love has spread through human hearts and hands.”
There’s a saying which goes something like this: “Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place.” And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?