RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
How can there be self-help “groups”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions– what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
World’s shortest blues song:
“I didn’t wake up this morning…”
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
Q: What do you call a sausage that has been stolen? A: A missing link.
Q: What did the mother skunk say to her teenage skunk? A: Don’t stink and drive.
Q: Why did the farmer feed his sheep iron-enriched vitamins? A: He wanted to get steel wool.
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up.
He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.”
“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special – Don’t ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems.”
Horse Eye Witness
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, “I don’t know mister, it don’t look so good,” and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, “I don’t know mister, it don’t look so good.”
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn’t take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man’s daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man’s house, demanding an explanation for the horse’s blindness.
The poor man replied, “I told you it don’t look so good.”
The famous author Alexander Dumas met with his housekeeper and cook every Monday to discuss the household accounts and to see what needed to be purchased for the upcoming week. One Monday, while they were discussing food, the cook noted that she needed a can of shortening.
Dumas, in haste, checked off the wrong column on the order form, so he accidentally purchased 10 cans for 10 weeks instead of one can for one week.
On the following Monday when they checked the food supply, the cook said, “One can of shortening in use and nine in reserve.” The following Monday, she reported, “One can of shortening in use and 19 in reserve.” A week later, there were 29 cans of shortening in reserve.
It was about this time that Dumas wrote his famous novel, “The Count of Mounting Crisco.”
A 4-Year-Old’s Letter To God
A kind soul working in the dead letter office of the U.S. Postal Service somewhere…
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God, so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could, so she dictated these words:
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to: God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, “To Meredith” in an unfamiliar hand.
Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, titled, “When a Pet Dies.” Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am wherever there is love.