Public Servant
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young student confidently. “It means ‘carrying a child’.”
Daily Planet
Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. “Who should go, Clark or Lois?” He actually did some praying, which he hadn’t done for a long time. He asked, “Please. Show me a sign.” That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.
The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, “I’m sorry, Lois, but you have to go.” After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, “Chief – how did you know which one of us should go?” Perry said, “Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE.”
Are You Polish?
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some “Polish Sausage”. The clerk looked at him and asked, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says “Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya? Why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?”
The clerk replies, “No. It’s because you’re at Home Depot.”
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
A: Swimming trunks!
Q: What starts with an E and ends with E, but only contains one letter?
A: An envelope!
Q: After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did the devil get back from the drugstore?
A: Prints of darkness.
11 year Old Kids Tests Answers
“Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
Apostles.”
“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
Miss Independence
At the age of 41 with a Lymphoma diagnosis and the on-start of chemo-therapy my wife Tammy and I were told that, besides fighting for my life the result would leave me sterile unable to have any more children naturally. This was definitely a heart break especially for my wife who always wanted a big family and we were really loving the two children we had, Robby and Tess who were at the time seven and six years old. My wife really shines when it comes to babies, in fact I would say it is the way that my wife reflects God’s glory it’s her awesome sauce, Tammy can hold babies and get more out of it than anything I know. No doubt the story of my healing from Lymphoma and being crushed by a Jeep were miraculous for me, but for Tammy, especially enlarging our family was a gigantic concern.
So we prayed, but like many prayers I wish I could tell you I had great faith that God would come through, but this was one, I honestly figured wasn’t happening. Two years later I was now forty three and Tammy was 35 one night Tammy asked me to take the whole family to Outback Steak House for dinner, including her brother and his family a little strange but I wanted to please my wife and I agreed . Once there she dropped a simple comment I thought, “You are going to be a dad”..
I thought, “well duh, isn’t that a bit obvious”. Then came ‘The LOOK’, “oh you mean I am going to be a dad”. Now, it was coming into focus. “What, How, You can’t be serious?” I reasoned, again, ‘The LOOK’. How exciting, we really were overjoyed once again God had come through way above and beyond my expectations.
Now came the task of naming the new baby, with a big brother and sister we enlisted their help. Our daughter Tess said she knew a great name. “Mariah”.
You see we live in North Carolina and for years we had loved taking our children to a ‘Wild West’ amusement park in the Blue Ridge Mountains near Boone, called, ‘Tweetsie Railroad’. A cowboy there found out my daughter’s name was Tess and every time he would see us, (which was a lot, we had season passes), he would sing a lyric from a song from the Movie, Paint Your Wagon; “They Call The Wind Mariah”. He would sing, “The rain is Tess the fire is Joe and they call the wind Mariah.” So perhaps Tess figured we would go on and have another child as well and call him Joe. None the less, Tess sold us all on the name Mariah.
Tammy’s due date was July 6th but as determined as Tess was that the name be Mariah or Joe, Tammy was as determined that this baby be born on the 4th of July. So when we went to a rodeo July 3rd 1999, Tammy had us go up and down the bleachers a few times to jostle the baby into position for a Firecracker Start so to speak. It worked and later that night she went into labor. We had never discovered any of our children’s gender ahead of time so we had decided on Noah if a boy or Tess’ choice, Mariah if a girl and sure enough shortly after 1pm on the 4th of July Mariah Notley Dilmore was born. Mariah’s birth was certainly a miracle, but God had some icing He yet wanted to put on this red, white and blue birthday cake.
That fall my other two children Robby and Tess were in a school play at Calvary Baptist Day school. The basic premise of their play was a historical trip through the Old Testament. Shortly into the story as you may imagine they were depicting the story of Abraham and Isaac specifically when Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac. I knew the story very well and could have almost narrated it, yet there was one detail that God still had for me. Gen 22:14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.” Then the children said Mount Moriah.
Like a rocket going off in my mind was the significance of these before perceived random details that I now knew to be tiny brush strokes of the Master. I now marvel at the brush stroke of a daughter at an older age, like Abraham and Isaac and with me laughing at the thought of having another child after my bout with cancer and chemotherapy. The brush stroke of life itself as perhaps it looked like our family would be down to three, we now were five. The brush stroke of provision, God knew all along that He had provided and so it was with her name, Mariah, perhaps spelled differently but I got the point.
That moment sitting in the dark while everyone else was following the next scene of the play the tears were flowing in my pew as heaven touched earth in my heart my eyes were opened to the tiny brush strokes of the Master.
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