It’s Not Fair
“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”…………………………………………………..
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won’t be spotted.
- Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart.
With the break-up of the Soviet Union and the upheavals in Russia leading to new-found openness, some members of the government decided to break with tradition and clean up some of the memorials and exhibits around Red Square.
When they opened the Lenin mausoleum for the first time, they found him caked with filth from years of public display, and it was extremely odoriferous.
This action caused such a stir among the citizenry that some well-intentioned Russians found themselves kicked out of office. It goes to show that even with the new freedom in Russia, you can’t air your dirty Lenin in public.
Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit.
Communism first took off in the insect kingdom when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.
“$5.37.” That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?
There’s not a single person in it.
Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it’s too cold “out tide!”
What do you call a boom-a-rang that doesn’t come back?
Answer: A stick!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
A Young Goating
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The Engineer replies, “In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
The Blessing of Thorns
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.
During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.
What’s worse, Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. “She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder.
“Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?
“Good afternoon, can I help you?”
The shop clerk’s approach startled her.
“I….I need an arrangement, “stammered Sandra. “For Thanksgiving?
Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?” asked the shop clerk.
“I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued
“Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?
“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. ” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”
Then the door’s small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, “Hi Barbara…let me get your order.” She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses.
Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped…there were no flowers.
“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.
Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. “Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.
“You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest.
“Uhh,” stammered Sandra, “that lady just left with, uhh… she just left with no flowers!”
“Right…I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special… I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.
“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that?” exclaimed Sandra.
“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.”
“That same year I had lost my husband, “continued the clerk,” and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.
“So what did you do?” asked Sandra. “I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly.
“I’ve always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask!; It took time for me to learn that dark times are important.
I always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.
“Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her.”
I guess the truth is I don’t want comfort.
I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”
Just then someone else walked in the shop.
“Hey, Phil!” shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.
“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement … twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.
“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra doubtingly. “Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?
“No…I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem.
He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from “thorny” times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us.”
As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special!”
“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life.” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too… fresh.”
“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time.
Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.”
Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.
“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”
“Thank you. What do I owe you?” asked Sandra.
“Nothing.” said the clerk.
“Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me. “The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.
“I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you’d like to read it first.”
It read: “Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant.”