A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together.
After a while of trying she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend says, “Honey, what’s wrong?”
The blonde says, “I’m trying to put this puzzle together but I can’t do it.”
Her boyfriend says, “Well, look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like.”
The blonde says, “Okay… well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.”
Her boyfriend says, “Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Good News/Bad News
Two string beans were walking down the road, when one is hit by a car.
They take him to the hospital. He has surgery. Afterwards the surgeon comes and talks to the other string bean. I have good news and I have bad news…
The good news is your friend made it through surgery just fine. The string bean said okay so what’s the bad news. The surgeon explained he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
Q and A
Father: “And why do you think it is necessary to be quiet in church?”
Son: “Because other people are sleeping.”
Father: Would you like a pocket calculator for Christmas, son?
Son: No thanks, Dad. I know how many pockets I’ve got.
Q: What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
A: An umbrella
Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path
Q: What’s orange and sounds like parrot?
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What do you think when two blondes walk into a building?
A: That one of them might have seen it.
What Did Jesus Say?
A pastor was speaking to a group of second graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, “What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?”
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. “I know what He said. He said, ‘Tah-dah!'”
AN ARMY MIRACULOUSLY DELIVERED.
We clip the following from an epistle of the Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, who was born in the year 121, and died in the year 180, as found in Vol. 2, of the “Anti-Nicene Christian Library.” — Editor.
The Emperor Ceasar Marcus Aurelius Antonius, to the people of Rome, and to the sacred senate, greeting: I explained to you my grand design, and what advantages I gained, on the confines of Germany, with much labor and suffering, in consequence of the circumstance that I was surrounded by the enemy; I myself being shut up in Carauntum by seventy-four cohorts, nine miles off. And the enemy being at hand, the scouts pointed out to us, and our general Pompeianus showed us, that there was close on us a mass of a mixed multitude of 977,000 men, which, indeed, we saw; and I was shut up by this vast host, having with me only a battalion composed of the first, tenth, double and marine legions.
Having then examined my own position, and my host, with respect to the vast mass of barbarians and of the enemy, I quickly betook myself to prayer to the gods of my country. But being disregarded by them, I summoned those who among us go by the name of Christians. And having made inquiry, I discovered a great number and vast host of them, and raged against them, which was by no means becoming; for afterwards I learned their power. Wherefore they began the battle, not by preparing weapons, nor arms, nor bugles; for such preparation is hateful to them, on account of the God they bear about in their conscience. Therefore it is probable that those whom we suppose to be atheists, have God as their ruling power entrenched in their conscience. For having cast themselves on the ground, they prayed not only for me, but also for the whole army as it stood, that they might be delivered from the present thirst and famine. For during five days we had got no water, because there was none; for we were in the heart of Germany and in the enemy’s territory. And simultaneously with their casting themselves on The ground, and praying to God (a God of whom I am ignorant), water poured from heaven upon us, most refreshingly cool, but upon the enemies of Rome a withering hail. And immediately we recognized the presence of God following on the prayer-a God unconquerable and indestructible. Founding upon this, then, let us pardon such as are Christians, lest they pray for and obtain such a weapon against ourselves. And I counsel that no such person be accused on the ground of his being a Christian. But if any one be found laying to the charge of a Christian that he is a Christian, I desire that it be made manifest that he who is accused as a Christian, and acknowledges that he is one, is accused of nothing else than only this, that he is a Christian; but that he who arraigns him be burned alive. And I further desire, that he who is entrusted with the government of the province shall not compel the Christian, who confesses and certifies such a matter, to retract; neither shall he commit him. And I desire that these things be confirmed by a degree of the senate. And I command this my edict to be published in the Forum of Trajan, in order that it may be read. The prefect Vitrasius Pollio will see that it be transmitted to all the provinces round about, and that no one who wishes to make use of or to possess it be hindered from obtaining a copy from the document I now publish.