There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass — not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called his dog Mace over to him and praised, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a “W.C.” near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters “W.C.” and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was “Wayside Chapel.” The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a “W.C.” with her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a “W.C.” is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can’t afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the “W.C.” and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can’t go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans … but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.
My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, “Again!”
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
What Does A Queen do when she burps?…issue a royal pardon
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose
Will Glass Coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
Breaking News!!! Cheese Factory Explosion De-Brie Everywhere
How do you tell the gender of an ant? Throw it in water: if it sinks, girl ant; if it floats you guessed it… Bouyant
Never Buy Flowers From a Monk…. Smokey says: “Only You Can Prevent Florist Friars.”
When Vancouver won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. (Frightening, isn’t it?)
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto–can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Bang Up Hotel
“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!”
I apologized for the noise and checked him out.
A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.
“Terrible!” They said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”
afterbirth–when the hard part begins.
elastiphobia–fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Stretch Marks.”
first trimester–the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, “Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?”
second trimester–the time when you ask the question, “Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?”
third trimester–the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, “How much longer can I keep from waddling?”
obstetrician–the doctor who tells you you’re doing fine when you think you’re caught in the jaws of death.
pregnant pause–the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
prenatal–when your life was still your own.
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: “English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”
One week later, “The Kerrymen,” a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.”
The Boy in the Vestibule
An unhappy little boy was walking along a street when he heard a bell ringing and looked up to see many people walking up a wide sidewalk into a beautiful building. He was curious, so he stayed until the last of the people had entered and the door was shut. Then he walked to the door and opened it just enough to slip into the vestibule where he peeked around the corner and listened to all that went on.
Within moments he heard a great swell of beautiful notes from a large organ and then the voices of the many people who had entered the building sang together with one voice. The little boy was amazed at the beautiful sound that washed over him. He stayed motionless so that he could remain undetected in the vestibule and hear everything that happened in the building.
Following the singing of several songs, the little boy heard a man begin to speak. His voice was loud enough to be heard and was also gentle and melodious. His message bespoke a kind nature. The little boy listened and he heard about another meeting to be there in the same building that evening.
All too soon the people began to stir and to rise from their seats to depart. The little boy slipped out…almost without being seen…but not quite. A man in a simple black robe had walked up the aisle ahead of all the other people in order to be there to shake their hands as they departed. He caught a glimpse of the small boy.
That evening when all the people gathered once again, the same gentleman was climbing to the tall platform at the front of the large room when something made him look toward the vestibule. He caught a flash of a small head as it peeked into the great room. The kind man did not make any indication of the sighting, but when he began to speak, his first words were, “This is the house of God. All of God’s children are welcome. Thank you to all who are with us today.”
The little boy in the vestibule heard this message but he thought of the clothes worn by all the people within and about those on own skinny body. He remained in the vestibule.
Later, before the final hymn was sung, the minister left his seat and slipped out the back door. When the little boy opened the front door and squeezed out ahead of all the other people, he walked straight into this kind man. Of course, he did not recognize him for he had not dared to look closely into the church for fear of being seen. How surprised he was when he was spoken to by the same voice he had heard only moments before filling the air of the church.
Taken aback, the little boy began to apologize, “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean no wrong. The bells and the organ and singin’ and your talking were just too wonderful. I had to listen, but I promise I’ll never do it again.”
“Oh, but you must,” said the minister. “I’ve been needing a boy like you to keep the pews polished and the floors swept and to light candles for the service. Can’t we arrange for you to do that?”
So it was arranged and out of the minister’s own pocket the boy was paid a small wage. His family was very poor and he used the money to help his mother and she was very grateful to the minister.
Soon the boy’s mother started attending the church wearing her best clothing, which wasn’t very good at all, and bringing her other son, a small frail child.
The mother was afraid she would not be welcome but she was and before you know it an elderly, widowed parishioner hired her to be his cook; and the little family began to pull itself up and became better off than they had ever been before, which was a very good thing; but perhaps you are wondering why that small boy was walking along the road that day when church bells called him into the house of the Lord. Well, that was the day the little boy had made up his mind to break the glass at the local grocer and grab some food and perhaps some money to take home to his mother who was sobbing because she could not feed his little brother.