A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn’t have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.
At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black’s desk and explains his dilemma.
“I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don’t have the cash. Can you lend me the money?”
“Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?”
“Well,” says the frog. “All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?”
“Hmm . . . I’ll have to speak to my manager.” She enters her manager’s office.
“Mr. Bitterby, I’ve got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight.”
Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan.”
Beat To The Punch
It was approaching the end of the year at John’s school, and so near prom time. He decided that he wanted to try his luck and ask the most popular girl in his year out. So he got in line to ask her, and he waited, and he waited, and he waited. When he finally got to the front of the line, he was amazed because the girl said yes! She also handed him a long list of criteria he would have to meet for her to go with him.
The first criterion was a limousine. So he went to the limousine shop and, as it was near prom time, he waited and waited and waited to get to the front of the line and hired a limousine. The second criterion was a suit from the most prestigious clothes maker in the city. So John went to that shop and waited and waited and waited to be fitted. Once he got his suit he looked at the list and chased up the next criteria on the list (roses, tickets, chauffeur, etc.) and at each one he had to wait for a very long line.
Finally it was the night of the prom. John went and picked up the girl in his limousine, had the chauffeur drive them to the prom, picked up his roses, and arrived at the prom venue. To get in to the prom they waited and waited to get in. When they finally got to their seats, John’s girl asked him to get her a glass of punch. When John got to the punch table, he was surprised, because there was no punch line.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect to be paid back.
Mr. Bill Poppins prayed often, he even felt he heard from God on occasion. Bill was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years. He refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough. He also went for long periods fasting and when he did eat he loved garlic, fresh roasted. The fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath.
Doctors were called in to discover what the man was trying to accomplish, they studied him for two months with no conclusive idea what was going on. As they were leaving on their way back to their University to finish their research and write their papers, George the postman came up to the door and asked, “Hey Bill what you up to?”
Bill answered, “I believe I got it.”
“Got what?” asked the doctors in unison.
“I think I’ve got it; I’m a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”
My older son loves school, but his younger brother Tommy absolutely hates it. One weekend Tommy cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail.”
Tommy looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”
Such A Drag
An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.
However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king’s palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn’t sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.
However, the king’s loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.
The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights.
Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.
Without hesitation he replied, “Consonants.”
Hannah’s Bike Ride
It was a beautiful, sunny Saturday. Hannah and her brother, Joey, ate lunch quickly because their parents had promised to take them on a bike ride that afternoon. Hannah had been riding without her training wheels for a couple of days and was excited to go on a real bike ride like her big brother. She felt like such a big kid when she zoomed around on her bike with no training wheels.
Hannah ran into the garage and put on her bike helmet. She waited for what felt like forever for the rest of her family to come out to get their bikes. Finally everyone was ready and Hannah’s family started off on their ride. They rode around their neighborhood and were having a great time. Smiling and laughing, Hannah was doing a great job! She was following her dad and had no trouble pedaling her bike up the the small hills they rode on. She was having a blast!
The family began to turn the corner and head for home. As soon as she was around the corner, Hannah used her brakes and then put her feet on the ground, stopping her bike as fast as she could. She looked in front of her and saw that she was at the top of a hill… a long hill that looked like it went on forever! Her eyes got huge and she began to feel very small. Hannah’s mom, dad and Joey kept riding and were halfway down the hill before her mom noticed she wasn’t with them anymore.
Hannah’s mom rode back up the hill to Hannah and stopped alongside her.
“What’s wrong Hannah?” her mom asked.
“I’m not going down that hill. I think I want to walk my bike down,” Hannah sad. Her eyes were filling up with tears and her hands started shaking a little bit. She was scared.
“But Hannah you know how to ride and you know how to use your brakes. You’ll be fine!” her mom said.
Hannah sat on her bike and shook her head. There was no way she was going to go down that hill riding her bike.
Hannah’s dad rode back up the hill and joined Hannah and her mom. He saw the tears in Hannah’s eyes and he could tell that she was scared. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“That hill is too steep, Daddy. I don’t want to go down it,” Hannah said.
“But Hannah, you are doing so well on your bike. We’re almost home. I know you can do it! Just use your brakes like I taught you,” Hannah’s dad said.
Tears started rolling down Hannah’s face. What if she went too fast? She thought. What if she crashed because she couldn’t brake and stop her bike? She felt like she was too scared to move.
Hannah’s mom got off of her bike and came and stood next to Hannah. “Hannah, we know that you can do this. We wouldn’t make you do something that you weren’t ready to do. How about I stand next to you and keep my hand on the seat of your bike? I won’t let you fall.”
Hannah’s hands were still shaking, tears were still in her eyes, and she was still scared. “But,” she thought, “I know that my mom won’t let me fall. She is bigger and stronger than me and I know she doesn’t want me to get hurt. ”
Hannah’s mom knelt beside Hannah and wiped away the tears on her cheeks. “You know that I love you and that you can trust me Hannah. How about we ride down to that tree and stop?” She pointed to a tree a little ways away.
Hannah looked at her mom, then she looked at the tree. She was still scared, but she trusted her mom and after a minute Hannah nodded her head.
Hannah’s mom put her hand on the bike seat. Hannah put her feet on the pedals and started down the hill. She wobbled a little as she pedaled, but after a few seconds she was by to the tree her mom had pointed at. She braked just like her dad had taught her and stopped right next to it. Hannah could hear her dad cheering from the top of the hill and Joey cheering from the bottom of the hill. She had done it!
“Hannah I am so proud of you!” said her mom. “You trusted me and knew that I wouldn’t let you fall. Let’s see if we can make it the rest of the way down the hill together.” Hannah smiled up at her mom; she wasn’t crying or shaking anymore. In fact, she was starting to have fun again!
Hannah made it down the hill and even did part of it without her mom running beside her. A few minutes later they were back home. The family sat down under a shade tree in their front yard and Hannah’s mom brought out some popsicles for everyone.
While Hannah and her family ate the ice-cold popsicles, they talked about their bike ride and how Hannah had made it down the hill. While Hannah was talking about how scared she had been, her dad said, “Hannah, what happened today reminds me of how the Bible tells us we are supposed to trust and love Jesus. You had to trust your mom and you could do that because you love her. Even though you were afraid, you knew she wasn’t going to let you get hurt and that she wouldn’t make you do something you weren’t ready to do.
“Jesus wants us to show Him how much we love Him by choosing to obey Him even when we are afraid. Just like when you chose to show your mom you loved her and trusted her by riding down the hill. There is a verse in Psalms that says that if we believe in God He will hold our hand so that we won’t fall, (Ps. 37:23-24). Another verse in Joshua says that we don’t need to be afraid because God is with us wherever we go, (Josh. 1:9). He will help us to do whatever he is asking us to do.”
Joey giggled and said, “So it’s kind of like Jesus is running alongside us and holding the seat of our bikes as we ride along and live our lives?”
“That’s one way to think of it Joey,” said their mom. “There are other verses in the Bible that says that God will never leave us or give up on us. (Duet. 31, Heb 13) But it also means that when we are scared and don’t want to do something we need to do, that we need to show Jesus we love Him by trusting that He is there with us and doing what He wants us to do.”
“Alright, who wants another popsicle?” their dad said. “Me, Me, Me!!” shouted Hannah and Joey.