MORE POST GHOSTIES
My friend wants to dress like the Queen of Hearts for Halloween. I think I’ll follow suit.
What kind of car does a ghost drive? A Boo-ick!
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
What do you call a scary reindeer? A cariboo.
An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
Why do jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces? You’d have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
The almanac of famous ghosts is a real Boos Who
I knew that the spirit couldn’t float around very long. What ghost up must come down!
What is the problem with two twin witches? You never know which witch is which!
Don’t Get Swept Away
A very small female janitor (4’10”, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.
As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.
“So,” she said, “now I weigh me down to sweep.”
What kind of school do you go to if you’re…
…an ice cream man? Sundae school.
…a giant? High school.
…a surfer? Boarding school.
…King Arthur? Knight school.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”
Why did the orchestra have such bad manners? Because it didn’t know how to conduct itself!
Why do tropical fish live in saltwater? Because pepper would make them sneeze.
I was enjoying some meatloaf for dinner the other night and I came to the realization that meatloaf really got the shaft when it came to the cuisine name game.
Here are few replacement names that I came up with…
Any of those sound yummy, right? Well, maybe “meatloaf” really was the way to go after all.
An explosion at the meat packing plant caused quite a meatier shower.
What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out!
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
More Ground Chuck
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten.
The crowd at the Cannibal’s party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The Chief goes to the Frenchman and says, “We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!” But, being a considerate tribe, the Chief offers the Frenchman a last request. The Frenchman asks for a large cognac. Naturally he is granted a large tumbler of cognac, and is then killed.
The Chief says to the Englishman, “We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!” and offers the Englishman a last request. The Englishman chooses a pint of ale, after which he is killed.
The Chief says to the New Yorker, “We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!” and offers him a last request. The New Yorker asks for a fork.
“A fork?” asks the Chief.
“Yes, a fork.”
So the New Yorker gets his fork. Immediately he starts stabbing himself over and over again while shouting, “See if this will float your boat!”
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?…”Put it on my bill.”
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Envelope.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? : It’s okay. He woke up.
What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
Really Bad News
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” “Nine…”
A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather’s farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. “What is it?” he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said,” It- it’s- IT’S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!”
Almost Buried Alive!
“Put him in the grave with his dead father.”
Standing at the edge of his father’s grave, little Pedro Montes heard these words being said about him. Even Pedro’s poor mother, whose husband had just died, agreed.
In the Culina tribe, parents could ask to have a live baby or child buried with a parent that had died. Since Pedro was young and his mother already had more children than she thought she could possibly feed by herself, Pedro was just moments away from being buried alive!
Pedro was terrified! Without waiting another second, he ran as fast as he could into the jungle. He climbed a tree and sat there, crying and sobbing. When an animal started climbing up the tree where Pedro was sitting, his crying scared the animal away.
Pedro was afraid the men of the village would come looking for him to take him back and bury him. So he came down out of the tree and headed farther into the jungle.
Suddenly, he spotted a jaguar. Now everyone in Pedro’s village was in danger!
Pedro didn’t think of his own danger, but only that everyone in his village was in danger. He ran back to the village and screamed, “Jaguar! Jaguar!”
His mother and some others followed him back into the jungle. But the jaguar had run away; instead they found a deer. One of the men shot the deer with his bow and arrow and took it back to the village for food.
Pedro’s relatives said, “This is a good son. He will help us have lots of meat.” Since they agreed Pedro was a good little hunter who would help them find meat, they would not bury him. His life was saved.
Pedro and the rest of the Culina tribe traveled from place to place most of the year. Sometimes they would raid settlements to steal machetes and other tools. A measles epidemic broke out after one of these village raids, and many people of the Culina tribe died.
Only 75 people were still alive in Pedro’s village at the time two young missionaries came to live with these Culinas. These missionaries began to study the Culina language. After they had learned enough, they began to translate the Bible into the Culina language.
Pedro got sick and was once again near death. One of the missionaries read to him some Bible verses that they had just translated. Pedro believed what he heard and said, “I will follow God.” He also said, “I want to hear more from God’s Book so I’ll know it better.”
Another missionary sent medicine, and Pedro soon got over his sickness. One precious life, Pedro now uses to further the translation of the Bible to his people.
Yes, a young boy marked for death by his own people once warned those same people of a Jaguar… God’s way of anointing His messenger in ways that those who have ears can hear and those with eyes can see the true gospel in his actions. “Those who will lose their life will gain it.”