A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.
The engine was fixed!
Seven days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.
“What?!” the owners said. “You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.”
The reply simply said:
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”
A fool and his money are never around when you need them
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me next Wednesday.
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”
For our first New Year’s together as a married couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake, or orange-date cake. “Pumpkin pie,” I requested.
“We’ve been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving,” Nancy protested. “Can’t you choose something else?”
“Okay,” I replied, “how about cheesecake?”
Making a face, Nancy said, “After all that rich food you ate over Christmas, surely you don’t want cheesecake.”
Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date cake.
“Oh, I’m glad you chose that one,” Nancy said. “Orange-date cake is a New Year’s tradition in our family.”
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”
What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A jelly button.
The Comforts Of Home
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was “comfortable underwear.”
Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she answered. “If you smile, put them back.”
Long ON Characters
During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”
When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”
On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense.
Mountaintop Moments: Finding Hope in Hard Times
by D.A. Sherron
I’ll never forget the life-changing text I received from my wife on February 3, 2020, around three o’clock in the afternoon: “THIS IS HAPPENING.”
Our journey into parenthood was about to begin. I promptly said goodbye to my students, rushed out of the classroom and ran to the subway. I also texted a few members of our church, asking for prayer. I also sought advice from my buddies who had been down this road before. Our precious Sophia Rose made her grand entrance at 7:20 p.m. I remember the time exactly, because the doctor asked me to take a picture of her. I was too stunned to grab my phone. This was a mountaintop experience I’m still processing to this very day.
Life has a way of taking us through both mountains and valleys. Although I appreciate every mountain, I’ve discovered that it’s in the valleys where you find resilience during tough times. As a pastor, I always went to the hospital to comfort the dying. However, this was my first time experiencing the miracle of birth. Unbeknownst to me, I found out that on the exact day my daughter was born, my great aunt took her last breath. Here I was in the middle of celebration and reflection, hope and heartbreak—all at the same time.
The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Life is lived forward but only understood backward.” Shortly after getting settled in at home with baby Sophia, our lives were reduced to a whisper, as Covid-19 swept through the world. There we were, as new parents, trying to make the best of our “new normal” during a worldwide health crisis.
Now, only four months later, I sit in astonishment at another year of life. Who would’ve thought that a new decade would bring such massive changes? From the blessing of a new baby to the rise of a global pandemic and now, to a world in protest. Sometimes, it still baffles me that I’m celebrating this milestone, while also grappling with a sense of profound loss.
I’ll never forget watching the memorial service for George Floyd, the African-American man who died in police custody in Minneapolis, on CNN the day before my birthday. His last words, “I can’t breathe!” are still reverberating in my consciousness. I sat there motionless, grappling with this vicious death, while also celebrating the vicissitudes of life. At that moment, I decided that I would wrestle with the pain of grief while simultaneously glorifying the power of grace. I realized that amid the darkness of our world I had a brand new opportunity before me: to invest, inspire and influence the next generation.
I began to fight my fear and despair with a faith declaration.
Before bedtime every night, I began to whisper in my daughter’s ear: “You have been born at the greatest time in history.” Why? Because in the middle of chaos, confusion and calamity these are times of revolution; every revolution brings with it a sense of renewal. In essence, while we are still in quarantine my heart is overjoyed to know that God smiled on me another day and I could pay it forward by offering a glimpse of hope in the darkness. To me, that is a birthday present I’ll always cherish.
Tags: #christianhumor, #churchbulletinjokes, #cleanjokes, #devotionalhumor, Christian Humor, Church Bulletin Jokes, Clean Jokes, God Stories
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