Count On It

Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”
Woman: “Four.”
Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”
Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.”
Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”
Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe.”

Watch Out

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

“Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah we’re right over my homeland.” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.

“I can feel the heat of the desert.”

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah, we’re right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.

“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”

AYE AYE

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of… an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

Call Ahead Eating

A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son said, “why are you so weak?”

She said, “because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The man said, “that’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

FOWL LANGUAGE

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Hitching Boast

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Ponderers

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

The image of you playing Frisbee with a dog isn’t so farfetched.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

A fool and his money are some party.

Perforation is a rip off.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roaming Catholic.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?: Sir Render.

Which knight is never killed in battle? A: Sir Vivor.

Which knight is always startled? A: Sir Prise

Big God


One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

GOD’S UNDER THE BED

My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that’s what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped outside his closed door to listen. “Are you there, God?” he said. “Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed.” I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room.

Kevin’s unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in. He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6’2″), there are few ways in which he is an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7 year old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas, and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, returning to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme are laundry days, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05 eager for a day of simple work. He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day’s laundry chores. And Saturdays — oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That’s the day my dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. “That one’s goin’ to Chi-car-go!” Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

I don’t think Kevin knows anything exists outside his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple. He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. He recognizes no differences in people, treating each person as an equal and a friend. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others.

His heart is pure. He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere.

And he trusts God. Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God — to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an “educated” person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions. It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap — I am. My obligations, my fears, my pride, my circumstances — they all become disabilities when I do not submit them to Christ.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of the Lord. And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I’ll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won’t be surprised at all.