Four Chin Teller (she was a little over weight)
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” the man laughed. “I’m the father of THREE children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other,
“What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
The other cow looked over and replied, “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter.”
Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.
The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.
The other fisherman was amazed and stated, “I didn’t know you were that religious.”
The other looked at him and said, “Least I could do — we’ve been married 42 years!”
First grade teacher: “There are two words I don’t
allow in my class. One is ‘gross’ and the other is ‘cool.'”
Rachel: “Yeah? So, what are the words?”
A game warden heard about a guy that was dynamite fishing. He needed to arrest him, but he had to catch him in the act. One night, he found the guy down at the local bar, so he decided to go undercover. They talked for a while and finally the guy asked him if he wanted to go fishing the next day. The warden said sure.
The next day, they went out, and after a while, the guy reached into a box under his seat. Sure enough, he pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it in the water. The warden pulls out his badge and tells him that he’s under arrest.
The guy looks at him and calmly pulls out another stick, lights it, and tosses it at the wardens feet. He then says “you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?”
Later that day… Another man was stopped by the Waden with two ice chests full
of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my pet fish.”
“Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let ’em swim’ round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take ’em home.”
“That’s a bunch of bunk! Fish can’t do that!”
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It’s the truth. I’ll show you. It really works.”
“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” said the man.
“When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
A husband and his wife are
having dinner when the husband begins to choke. Frantically, the wife calls
out, “Is there a doctor in the house?”
A man walks up to her and says, “Yes, I’m a doctor.”
The wife pleads with the doctor, “Please! Please do something to help my loving husband!”
The doctor walks over to the bar and grabs a soda and then brings it to the choking man.
“How is a soda going to help my husband? I thought you said you were a doctor?” the wife asks.
The doctor looks at her and says, “I am. I’m Dr. Pepper.”
Things to Ponder
Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks? A: Their nose!
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light
in the fridge?
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers it’s the whole sentence.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I hate Russian dolls…they’re so full of themselves!
I intend to live forever… or die trying.
Q: Want to hear a construction joke? A: Oh, never mind, I’m still working on that
Q: You know what I saw today? A: Everything I looked at.
Q: What are shark’s two most favorite words? A: Man overboard!
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
One Last Blessing From Dad
Father of the groom didn’t quite have the same ring as mother of the bride, but I took my duties seriously. My oldest son, Josh, was getting married, and I wanted to do everything I could to make his wedding day the greatest, most perfect day of his life. Like my father did for my wedding.
Dad died years earlier and I still missed him. Maybe never more than I did now.
I stood outside the door of a shop I’d never been to and gave the shoes I was carrying another despairing glance. The shoes that went with my son’s tuxedo. That I had promised I’d take care of.
Josh and his bride-to-be, Tara, were about the same height. She planned to wear heels and Josh had confided to my wife, Debbie, and me that he didn’t want her to tower over him at the altar. Debbie had suggested putting stacked heels on his shoes.
I’d dropped the shoes off at the repair shop we usually used. I’d picked them up this morning and the heels were stacked, all right… into huge blocky platforms. They looked like Frankenstein shoes! And it was all my fault. I should have explained more carefully what needed to be done.
It was too late to order a new pair. What do I do now? I wondered.
I needed my dad, his ability to solve a problem, his calming voice. The one he had used on my own wedding day, some 33 years prior. Dad had seen not just my joy but my nerves. “Come here, son,” he had said, enveloping me in his arms. “You’re going to make a great husband. I love you.” My worries floated away.
Dad didn’t just look after his family. He sold insurance back in the days when you went door to door collecting weekly premiums and really got to know your customers. He believed providing insurance meant helping folks protect what they valued. Helping them, period. He practically invented “pay it forward.”
I’ll never forget the time he coached my Little League team and one boy showed up at practice wearing ragged sneakers. I overheard Dad ask quietly, “What size shoe do you wear, son?” At our next practice, the boy was wearing brand-new cleats. I never said a word to Dad but I was so proud to be his son.
Dad’s not here anymore, I told myself. It’s up to me. I found another shoe-repair shop in the Yellow Pages and drove there. Lord, let me come through for Josh the way Dad always did for me, I prayed, and walked in the door, Frankenstein shoes in hand.
The place was small and cluttered and looked like it had been there forever. A man my age stood at the counter. He wore a smudged smock and a gentle smile. “What can I do for you?” he asked.
I set the shoes on the counter and explained the problem. “All I want is to remove these platforms and get these shoes looking good enough so my son can wear them at his wedding,” I said. “I don’t care how much it costs. Can you help me?”
“I’ll do my best,” he said. He had me write my name and number on a ticket. “Come back tomorrow,” he told me.
I went back the next day. Josh’s shoes were ready. “They look as good as new!” I exclaimed, reaching for my wallet. “How much do I owe you?” The man shook his head. “There’s no charge.”
“What do you mean?”
He said, “You’re Buck Shear’s son, aren’t you?” He must have recognized the name on the ticket.
“Did you know my dad?” I asked.
“Not personally,” he said. “But my family will never forget him. My parents and grandparents bought insurance from your dad. Sometimes when they didn’t have the money, your dad would pay the weekly premiums for them.
“They were able to pay for my grandpa’s funeral because of your dad’s generosity. This is a small way I can say thanks.”
I left the store giving thanks of my own. To God, for letting Dad come through for me once again and reminding me how blessed I was to have the father I did. My son’s wedding day would be even more wonderful than I’d expected.