Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Q: Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
A: Because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!
Q: What do you call a pig’s karate swing?
A: A pork chop.
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Steal its chair.
One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”
A Shocking Tie
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT
IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son had asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, “God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all. Amen.”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never.”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?” As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my son asked.
“Cross my heart.” Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his ice cream for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already.”
Keep The Pines On Your Right
Years ago I was deer hunting in early January a freezing cold day. So cold I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to give up on hunting for a little while and partake of the sausage balls my wife had packed for me. I had just gotten the first one in my mouth, when out in the clearing in front of me jumped the biggest buck I had ever seen. I grabbed my rifle and fired, the buck staggered, jumped back up I fired again and he ran in the wood a little bit and laid down. That’s when I made a rookie hunting mistake and decided he must be dead and climbed down after him. I know you hunters reading this could already tell me what would transpire for the next few hours.
The deer would jump up and I would go after him and then he would jump up and the cycle went on until the trail ran out and I could no longer hear the deer and after about three hours of this I had totally lost any track or sign what so ever and after getting down on my hands and knees and looking for another couple of hours in concentric circles, I suddenly realized I was way back in the forest and had no idea where I was or which way back to the truck. It was about two o’clock and I had about three hours of daylight before it would get unbearably cold. Panic started to invade my mind when I remembered I had my cell phone.
I called the friend who had set up the deer lease who had hunted there for years. He asked if I could climb up any hill to get a look and see if I could see a line of pine trees. I saw a hill a little ways off and told him I would call him back when I was on top of it. So I climbed the hill and called him back. He then asked if I could see a definite line of pine trees separate from the hard woods. I could see it clearly. He went on to explain that the area had been logged a few years ago and if I would make my way down to that line of pines and keep the pines on my right and the hard wood on my left I would come out back at the road. “Great plan”, I thought and off I went sure that I was going to be fine.
A little more challenging than I thought, as that line took me through many a briar patch, ditch, pond you name it. Undaunted on and on I treaded till the sun crept down and down. Soaking wet and scratched, bruised and battered from head to foot the unthinkable happened. The line ran out and not at the road.
Now it was really starting to get dark and soaking wet this was not looking good for the home team. That’s when the thing I had feared became my friend, “The darkness”. You see as the darkness set in I could see a light way off in the distance through the woods. The darker it got, the clearer I could see it. I made my way falling over roots and ditches but the path was obvious, simply make your way towards the light.
Sure enough that light was a house and that house was on the road, although another four miles back to my truck once it was dark enough to see the light the path was clear.
In Psalm 119:105 “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” David having tended sheep for years on the hills above Bethlehem at night could clearly see the lights of the city below to know the direction; he just had the good sense to carry a flash light as well so he wouldn’t stumble over the roots and the ditches.
This morning as I studied this Psalm I recalled this pine and hardwood story and pondered how “The Word Of God” not only gives us a clear direction to heaven, but illuminates the roots and the ditches as well…. by Robby Dilmore