Rules of A Plumber
The four most important things that an apprentice plumber needs to learn:
1. Hot is on the left, cold is on the right.
2. Stuff flows downhill.
3. Payday is on Friday.
4. Don’t chew your fingernails.
Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: Dinner’s on me tonight!
Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?
Q: How do baseball players keep in touch?
A: They touch base every once in a while.
A French Teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. E.g. ‘house’ is feminine – ‘la maison’, ‘Pencil’ is masculine – ‘le crayon’. A student asked, ‘what gender is ‘computer’? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into 2 groups –male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for the recommendations.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for immediate later retrieval. And…
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer), because:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem, And…
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up in a negligée … Bring chicken wings … Don’t block the TV
A boy in Sunday school had been taught by the same teacher for a number of years. She had a way of telling stories and she always ended them by saying: “And the moral of the story is…”
Eventually, he moved up in Sunday school and had a new teacher.
After a few weeks, the minister asked the boy how he liked his new Sunday school teacher. He replied: “She is great; she does not have any morals.”
No Buts About It
A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer:
“Dear Lord” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his face, “without You we are but dust…”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening very carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice,”Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point.
Dirty Double Take
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I? ”
Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”
WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,
“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air,
“He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven….”
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
Little Chad was a shy, quiet young fellow. One day, he came home and told his mother that he would like to make a valentine for everyone in his class. Her heart sank. She thought, “I wish he wouldn’t do that!” because she had watched the children when they walked home from school. Her Chad was always behind them. They laughed and hung on to each other and talked to each other
But Chad was never included. Nevertheless, she decided she would go along with her son. So she purchased the paper and glue and crayons. For three whole weeks, night after night, Chad painstakingly made thirty-five valentines.
Valentine’s Day dawned, and Chad was beside himself with excitement! He carefully stacked them up, put them in a bag and bolted out the door. His mom decided to bake him his favorite cookies and serve them up warm and nice with a cool glass of milk when he came home from school. She just knew he would be disappointed. Maybe that would ease the pain a little. It hurt her to think that he wouldn’t get many valentines… maybe none at all.
That afternoon, she had the cookies and milk on the table. When she heard the children outside, she looked out the window. Sure enough, here they came, laughing and having the best time.
And, as always, there was Chad in the rear. He walked a little faster than usual.
She fully expected him to burst into tears as soon as he got inside. His arms were empty, she noticed, and when the door opened, she choked back tears.
“Mommy has some warm cookies and milk for you.” But he hardly heard her words. He just marched right on by, his face aglow, and all he could say was :
“Not a one. Not a one.” Her heart sank. And then he added, “I didn’t forget a one, not a single one!”