Hole In One

A nurse noticed a golfer pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat was bring treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” she asked.

“No,” said the golfer. “It’s my ball.”


  • Why did the lemon hide when the bully came? Because he was yellow!
  • Why did the lemon cross the road? He wanted to play squash!
  • Why did the lemon stop halfway across the road? He ran out of juice!
  • Why did the lemon go to the doctor? His stomach was sour!
  • What do you give an injured lemon? Lemon-aid!
  • What kind of shoes are made from banana peels? Slippers!
  • Why did the pineapple go out with a prune? Because he couldn’t find a date!
  • What did the mama melon say to the baby melon’s boyfriend? You cant-eloupe!
  • What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine!
  • Why were the apple and the orange all alone? Because the banana split!
  • What do you use to open a banana? A monkey!
  • How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
  • Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling very well!
  • What is a ghost’s favorite fruit? A boo-nana!
  • What should you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up!
  • What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
  • Why didn’t Indians scalp redheads? They knew better.
  • Why are there so few good brunette jokes? Because blondes would have to think them up.

Seeing Things

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!”

The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

Riding The Rails

Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, “Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!”

At that Chet slurs back, “Well, it ain’t the stairs that’re botherin’ me so much as these stink’in low handrails.”
Redneck Pickup Line
Fat Penguin… Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.


Plant three rows of peas:
  Peace of mind
  Peace of heart
  peace of soul

Plant four rows of squash:
  Squash gossip
  Squash indifference
  Squash grumbling
  Squash selfishness

Plant four rows of lettuce:
  Lettuce be faithful
  Lettuce be kind
  Lettuce be patient
  Lettuce really love one another

Plant three rows of turnips:
  Turnip for meetings
  Turnip for service
  Turnip to help one another

Water freely with patience
  Cultivate with love
  There is much fruit in your garden
  Because you reap what you sow.

To conclude our garden…we must have thyme
  Thyme for each other
  Thyme for family
  Thyme for friends and especially
  Thyme for GOD

It’s How You See It

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He had a sign which read: “I am blind. Please Help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
When a man came walking by, he took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. Then he took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words on the back. He put the sign where it was, so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were going. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”
The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way. I wrote: ‘Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it.’”


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