Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See
those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”
How The Killer Was Nailed
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it
What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator? I don’t know, but don’t try to fix its bow tie.
A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it’s tweetable.”
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated.
What goes zzub zzub? A bee flying backwards!
What kind of bees live in graveyards? Zom-bees!
How do bees get married? They are bee-trothed!
Where do bees cook their dinner? On the bar-bee-que!
What does a bee sit on? Its bee-hind!
What do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
Why did the bee go to the dermatologist? Because it had hives!
Waiters have heard ’em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a refill.
“Nah, I better not have one,” said one man after I offered him a refill on his coffee. “I have the world’s worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”
A SHOT OF POLITENESS
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” her mother scolded. “That’s not polite behavior.”
At that, the girl yelled even louder, “NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!”
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
Pupil: The juve-niles!
is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can’t see!
What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde, and F-16!
Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don’t know — my TV doesn’t pick it up.
teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well, next time remember where you put things!
does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!
Q. What is a
Student: The way to the bathroom?
Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.
Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?
A. Because it was 360 degrees.
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
A. Because they always fold.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
The Legend of Banana Pants
The question I will live with for the rest of my life is; “If Farah was the only clothing company going that made a pair of pants with a 28in waist and a 34in length in 1968. Why did they choose to make the one pair they shipped to Michigan bright yellow corduroys?” When you are six foot five in seventh grade and only weigh 125lbs you already look like a freak.
Now add that only pair of pants to my name was those bright yellow corduroys. Yes, my mom shopped till she dropped to find me another pair of pants, but bright yellow it was and no not just yellow, but corduroys so if they couldn’t see me coming, they could hear me.
I think my growth hormones felt the need to keep up with my school grade level so from the 5th grade to the 6th I went from a “five footer” to a “six footer” and by basketball season another five inches to go with it. So while some were experiencing growing pains mine were more like growing tormented anguish. I was sure that someone was secretly torturing me with a hidden rack in my bed.
Like any giant, a host of nick names fit the bill and I was always good for a weather forecast, bean stringing, and Ho, Ho, Ho, green giant. “Whistle Britches”, which was a bit more painful but always good for a laugh, however nothing could be worse than the dreaded “banana pants”. I was forever branded as un-a-peeling, as the cruel would “Dole” out their insults.
To make me even a bit more bizarre most folks my height have long feet in order to have balance, but God certainly had a sense of humor in my design, I have normal size feet so as to trip and fall at the drop of a hat. So with my new found giant-ness, here I came, pants a whistling, and feet a tripping making my way through Perry Junior high, quite a sight and yes if I fell just right you might see the banana splits, (if I didn’t say it you would still have thought it, right).
My height dilemma wasn’t just limited to my appearance. At my first dance, a child of the 60’s I was a Beetle fan so when “Hey Jude” started playing, I asked a girl I was “sweet on” to dance. In review I had missed two major pitfalls, number one she was about four foot four and “Hey Jude” was a slow dance. Number two it was the longest single of the decade, seven minutes and eleven seconds and believe me I felt every one of those four hundred and thirty two seconds in utter awkward hunch backed fashion.
At an age where appearance is becoming extremely important, I was shot at and hit. Quite convinced I was no one’s prince charming, destined to spend the rest of my life with no female companionship. Oh, I got along with the guys alright; I was on the football and basketball teams tripping my way to that form of popularity, but I hated the way I looked and was sure that no girl would ever want to be seen with me. Who could ever love this “banana the pants whistler”?
At this point in writing this I asked Jesus why you made me this way. I really don’t feel any pain associated with it anymore, just laughter at the humor of it. Yet I asked and prayed throughout the night and this morning listening for Jesus to give me some clarity, Jesus blessed me out of my socks; I really can’t stop crying at His answer. “Robby, I knew you were going to need to know how to fall from great heights well, that is to tell the story be My Witness” The banana pants, I asked? His answer “I was teaching you to turn scorn into joy,to boast in your weakness” Jesus answered.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.