TOP EXCUSES THE
By Dave Tippett
Roman’s “Stay Free” promotion a bit too successful
Wife said he couldn’t accept wood carvings as payment anymore
Too busy getting new “Motel One” franchise going
Didn’t accept the Judean Express Card
No last names, no service
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my
son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said,
“Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”
He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”
Why does Santa have
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
Why did Santa go to the
Because of his bad “elf”!
What kind of motorbike
does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a dog
who works for Santa?
What do you call Father
Christmas in the beach?
What did the sea Say to
Nothing! It just waved!
Who delivers presents
to baby sharks at Christmas?
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh,
Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
What goes Ho, Ho, Ho,
Santa laughing his head off!
What is Santa’s
favorite place to deliver presents?
Why does Santa go down
the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it ‘soots’ him!
Why is Santa so good at
Because he has a black belt!
What do you call a man
who claps at Christmas?
Where do elves go to
Who is the king of
Santa’s rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
Who is Santa Claus
What do reindeer hang
on their Christmas trees?
What do elves post on
What do donkeys send out near
What did the snowman say to the
“Get out of my face.”
A gingerbread man went to the
doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”
How did the Ornament know that she
was addicted to Christmas?
She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.
What do you get if you eat Christmas
What do you call a blind reindeer
with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.
How did Scrooge win the football
The Ghost of Christmas passed.
I have this incredible ability to
predict what’s inside a wrapped present.
It’s a gift.
Why are Christmas trees so bad at
They’re always dropping their needles.
I got a Christmas card full of rice
in the post today.
I think it was from my Uncle Ben.
What is Santa’s favourite kind of
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.
Why did the red-nosed reindeer help
the old lady cross the road?
It would have been Rudolph him not to.
Did you hear about the man who stole
an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.
The Christmas jumper my kids gave me
last year kept picking up static electricity.
I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.
How did Mary and Joseph know that
Jesus was 8lb 2oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.
I got a universal remote control for
This changes everything.
What do you call an old snowman?
Who does Santa call when his sleigh
The Abominable Towman.
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him
when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder.
I bought my son a fridge for
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why is everyone thirsty at the North
What did the third wise salesman say
after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?
But wait – there’s myrrh!
What’s a reindeer’s favourite singer?
The only Christmas present that I got
this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
My friend just won the Tallest
Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”
NO ROOM IN THE INN,
Wally was nine years old and in the second grade, though he should have been in the fourth. He was big and clumsy, slow in movement and mind, but well liked by the other children in class, all of whom were smaller than he. At time the boys did have trouble hiding their irritation when the uncoordinated Wally would ask to play ball with them. He would stand by – not sulking, but hoping – always a helpful boy, willing and smiling, the natural protector of any child he felt was being mistreated.
As Christmas time approached, plans were made for the annual school pageant. Children were being assigned their parts – angels, shepherds, wise men, Mary, Joseph. Wally stood by expectantly – then suddenly his joy knew no bounds, for he heard the teacher say, “Wally, I want you to be the Innkeeper.” (Not many lines to learn, she reasoned – and his size would make his refusal of lodging to Joseph even more forceful.) Little did that teacher dream the lesson that such a tenderhearted boy would teach to all who would attend that program!
Then came rehearsals – the shepherd staffs and manger, beards, crowns, halos, and a stageful of squeaky voices. Most caught up in the magic of the night was Wally. He would stand in the wings, watch the performance with fascination; his teacher had to make sure he did not wander on stage before his cue.
Came the long awaited night and Wally stood, holding a lantern, by the door of the Inn, watching as the children who portrayed Mary and Joseph came near him. “What do you want?” Wally asked with a brusque gesture.
“We seek lodging.”
“Seek it elsewhere – the inn is filled.”
“Sir, we have asked everywhere in vain. We have traveled far and are very weary.”
“There is no room in this inn for you.” Wally looked properly stern.
“Please, good Innkeeper, this is my wife. She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest. Surely you must have some small corner for her. She is so tired.”
Now, for the first time, the Innkeeper relaxed his stiff stance and looked down at Mary. With that there was a long pause – the audience became a bit tense.
“No! Begone!” the prompter whispered from the wings.
“No! Begone!” Wally repeated automatically.
Joseph sadly placed his arms around Mary, and Mary laid her head upon her husband’s shoulder, and the two of them started to move away. The Innkeeper did not return inside his Inn, however. Wally stood there in the doorway, watching the forlorn couple. His mouth was open, his brow creased with concern, his eyes filling unmistakably with tears.
And suddenly – this Christmas pageant became different from all others.
“Don’t go, Joseph”, Wally called out. “Bring Mary back.” And Wally’s face grew into a bright smile. “You can have my room!”
A burst of laughter – then silence – then tears flowed freely as the message came through to the listeners. Wally, the boy considered “slow”, had made room for Jesus. He could not turn Mary and Joseph away – God’s only begotten Son would be welcomed by him! His tender heart had made room for the Savior.
Tags: #christianhumor, #churchbulletinjokes, #cleanjokes, #devotionalhumor, Christian Humor, Church Bulletin Jokes
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