Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
“My doctor couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t treat my poison ivy – he said I was being irrational.”
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.
“What did he say?” asks the nurse.
Time To Ponder
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?
One Eyed Monsters
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles said, “Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?”
Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, “Nope, not yet, Bubbles.” So they rowed a little farther out.
Again Bubbles asked Barbie, “Do you think we’re out far enough now?”
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, “No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest.”
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.
“Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?”
“Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”
A girl friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that she see a doctor and have her legs checked out. For years, she refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, she finally went.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered her left leg was a half-inch shorter than her right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and she no longer leans.
“So,” I said, “you didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”
She just looked at me and said, “I stand corrected.”
Q: Which knight is always startled?
A: Sir Prize.
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, “Go forth and multiply.”
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. “What’s the problem?” says Noah.
“Cut down some trees and let us live there,” say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, “Want to tell me how the trees helped?”
“Certainly,” say the snakes. “We’re adders, so we need logs to multiply.”
For non-geeks who may not get this joke:
Before calculators, logarithms (affectionately known as LOGs) were used to perform complicated multiplications. Instead of multiplying the numbers, you ADD their LOGS. Hence, adders need logs to multiply.
I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.
I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with strong antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant.
Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn’t think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.
While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: *If you will give us a son, we’ll name him Timothy and we’ll make him a preacher.*
Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam’s youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father’s ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam’s son is Tim Tebow.
The University of Florida’s star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football’s highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he was called “The Mile-High Messiah.”