Which Came First
One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”
“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He shows up.”
Shirley You Jest
Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.
“Is Bud in?” he asked.
Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.
“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”
“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”
“As I said, what do you want?”
Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”
“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.
“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”
“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.
“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.
“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.
“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”
Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.
She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”
“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.
Shirley, not wanting to fulfil her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.
“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.
After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”
“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.
“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”
I just finished my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?
Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter – the living room or the bedroom.
Paranoia has reached absurd stages…I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own
I really hadn’t planned on giving up this much for Lent.
This time last month, we were upset because the pizza delivery was five minutes late.
Bank On It
Airhead #1: “Yoo-hoo! Hello over there! How can I get to the other side of the river?”
Airhead #2: “Idiot — you ARE on the other side.”
A Matter Of In-Tuition
Pregnant with my third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was resting on the living-room couch. Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house. As one walked by, I explained, “Don’t mind me. I’m in my first trimester.”
“Oh,” he said. “What’s your major?”
What your baby would tell you if he could talk:
I know where the remote control is, but it’ll cost you.
To you, it’s just an empty egg carton; to me it’s PlayStation 4.
Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That’s what teething feels like.
Two words I’d rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
I’m not just wildly throwing my food. I’m exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?
What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.
Q: Where do you go to replace a missing chess piece?
A: The Pawn Shop.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.
The Duck & the Devil:
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid its dead body in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.Then she whispered to him, “Remember the duck?” So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, “I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.” Sally just smiled and said,” Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help.” She whispered again, “Remember the duck?” So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.!
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s… he finally couldn’t stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, “Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.”
– Original author unknown
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done… and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.), ..whatever it is….You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing….. He has seen your whole life; He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets….. It is by God’s grace and mercy that we are saved.
God is at the window.
“O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways” (Psalm 139:1-3).
“And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”(Hebrews 8:12)
Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. “The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. “So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:34-36)
“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” (1 John 1:9)