X Ray Vision
A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist.
The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure, and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility.
When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm and all smiles. “They just took a picture of my bones,” she explained to her mother.
“Yes, dear,” her mom replied. “I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?”
“Yup. It was great!” the child exclaimed. “I didn’t even have to take my skin off or anything!”
Husband: I just saw a very beautiful woman.
Wife: Really? Then what happened?
Husband: I just kept on admiring her, on and on…
Wife (getting irritated): WHAT happened then?
Husband smiled and said: You’re still here!
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.
For plumbers, a straight flush beats a full house.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line.
Her company distributes gift-boxed cashews, and she has a delivery guy that drives her nuts.
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive. I didn’t know where I was going.”
Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.
The teacher than proceeded to explain: “Do you have a weed eater?”
“Yes,” replied the guy.
“You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you’re straight.”
When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about.
“Well,” said the guy. “Do you have a weed eater?”
“No,” replied the friend.
“Then you’re gay!”
C- Nile Virus
There’s a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile.
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
- You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey, man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
WHAT A PANE
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up… and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
Once a week I volunteered at a nursing home in Peoria. I was a Eucharistic minister, so I prayed with patients and gave them Communion. When I arrived one day I was met by Margaret, another volunteer. “Nancy, there’s a patient who’s near death,” she said. “She’s all alone. Would you pray with her?”
Death was no stranger here, but I never got used to it. I was glad I didn’t have to go to this patient on my own. Once a month a priest visited the home with me to say Mass. As luck would have it, this was one of those weeks. He could pray with her too and give her Last Rites. It was good to know that she could have that comfort in her final moments.
Father and I followed Margaret to the patient’s room. As we neared the door we met a nurse just coming out. “I’m so sorry, you’re too late,” she said when she saw us.
Oh no, I thought. Had the woman died before we got to her room? “She’s still alive,” the nurse explained. “But she’s no longer able to talk or understand things going on around her. So she won’t be able to pray with you.”
“We understand,” the priest said. The patient lay in bed with her eyes closed. No reaction when we came into the room. Father went to her side and took her hand, whispering prayers into her ear. Still nothing. At least she has someone to pray for her, I thought, since she can’t pray herself.
The priest straightened up. “Our Father, who art in heaven,” he said out loud. Margaret and I stepped closer and joined in the prayer. “Hallowed be thy name…” We all clasped hands. Our three voices spoke the words together. Then—
A fourth voice joined in. It was the patient. Her eyes were still closed. She hadn’t moved. But when she spoke, her words were as clear as day. She continued with us until the end of the prayer. Then, with a final “Amen” she went silent again.
She died shortly after. But she couldn’t have been blessed with better last words.
5 Questions to Ask God in Prayer
Not every question is a good question. But these are.
by Bob Hostetler
What do you think are the most common questions people ask God?
I bet one comes to mind immediately—why? Right? We get bad news or hit a rocky spot and turn to God, asking, Why? But “why” is seldom—if ever—a useful question. I don’t think God has ever answered that question for me, probably because I wouldn’t understand if He did. But there are many questions that God has answered, at least for people in the Bible. Here are five of them:
- Who am I?
When God assigned to Moses the task of going back to Egypt and telling Pharaoh to set the Hebrew slaves free, Moses asked, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11, NIV). It was, of course, a protest, a statement more than a question. But it is still a good question, one of the best we can ask God in prayer. Who am I? What is my identity. What does God say about me in His word, the Bible? The person who sincerely asks God, “Who am I?” is often abundantly blessed by the answer.
- What if?
When God revealed to Abraham His plans to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, the patriarch posed a series of questions. “What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it?” (Genesis 38:24, NIV). He kept asking “what if?” until God answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it” (Genesis 38:32, NIV). Abraham’s questions didn’t save those cities but they do seem to reveal that God enjoys the “what if” questions. “What if we got together with other churches in our town for this purpose?” “What if I took a different course in my career?” “What if—” You get the idea.
- How long?
One of the most frequent Bible questions is “How long?” The Psalms alone repeat the question 15 times. “How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1, NIV). “How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:2, NIV). “How long must your servant wait?” (Psalm 119:84, NIV). It is a better prayer than “why,” not only because the psalmists prayed it so often but perhaps also because it carries within it the seed of an answer: Not always. Not forever. Not (we hope) much longer.
- What can I offer?
The beautiful Psalm 116 contains the question, “What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me?” (Psalm 116:12, NLT). It is a fine question to ask any time. “What can I offer?” I see a need in my community; “God, what can I offer?” I hear the cry of someone in pain; “What can I offer?” I remember an upcoming appointment; “What can I offer?” It is a prayer question that will often squeeze sweetness out of the sourest circumstances.
- What must I do?
When an earthquake opened the doors of the European jail in which Paul and Silas had been imprisoned, the jailer was shocked to learn that no one had escaped, and thus his life and livelihood had been preserved. The discovery prompted him to ask, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” Then followed their famous answer, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, you and your household” (Acts 16:30-31, NIV). It is a great question to ask in prayer, any time. “Lord, what must I do?” “What are you saying to me?” “Where are you pointing me?” “What will bring about deliverance and freedom in this situation?”
So give it a try. Feel free to ask God any question you want, but keep in mind that some are usually more fruitful than others. And these five—“Who am I?,” “What if?,” “How long?,” “What can I offer?,” and “What must I do?”—are among the best.