A Mom’s Pull
A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on
the magnet and what it does.
The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”
When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”
The tot had just been put to bed for
the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.
“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.
After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”
I was packing for my business trip and my
three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one
point she said, “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out two of her
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”
She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
I’m having an out-of-money experience….just sayin
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
IF DOGS WROTE LETTERS TO GOD…
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: How come there’s so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”
A Funeral With A Ring To It
Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an
elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife,
Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, “Well, I think Bill
would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Lynne. “All thirty thousand.”
“No!” Sue exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Lynne replied, “Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”
Sue computed quickly and asked, “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?”
“Two and a half carats.”
As Seen On T-Shirts
“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” (seen on an 8 year old)
“Rehab Is for Quitters”
“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
“All men are idiots, and I married their king”
“Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!”
“My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat.”
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
“Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You
started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the
sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the
company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“Uuuh … Thanks, Dad?”
|Navy regulations prohibit underwater promotion to the ministry, doing so would constitute insubordination.
Making Light Of The Matter
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle
determined to get a picture of a ghost that was said to appear only once in a
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture.
After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
Parable of the Spoons
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. “The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, “I don’t understand.” “It is simple” said the Lord, “it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.”
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”