Loving A Loser/Winner
I’m so sorry for the things I said. I’ve been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship last month. I think about you day and night. Your absence is breaking my heart and recently I’ve begun to realize that nobody can take your place. Sweetheart, I miss you so much. Please call me.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning last week’s Powerball Lottery.
Something To Think About: I’m going to live forever, or die trying.
A visitor to the town approached a local person and
asked, “What’s the quickest way to the next town?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”
I called my financial adviser this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”
Here’s an easy tip for finishing every task on your to-do list: First do a chore, then put it on the list and cross it off! Repeat as needed.
Horse’s Mouth/Neigh Sayer
An elderly woman walked into the local country
church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the
flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered, “Let me show you the front pew.”
Over A Barrel
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.
There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every
morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate, it was his job to
check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.”
The guard let him pass, but he decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”
“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant, and you have failed. So you’re fired.”
“Wait a minute — what do you mean failed? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”
“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?”
The Town Was So Small That…
The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has
Main Street – one block long – dead ends in both directions.
McDonald’s only has one Golden Arch.
The phone book has only one page.
The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 – 5&1/2.
The New Year’s baby was born in October.
The ZIP code is a fraction.
The city limit signs are both on the same post.
Second Street is in the next town over.
There’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.
A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
Trouble A Bruin
A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a
polar bear. Realizing his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.
“As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison,” the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal.”
“For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10.” Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honor,” he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations.”
“We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds. Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000.”
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animal’s weight, minus its two front limbs.” Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, “but why did you not include the front limbs in your calculation?”
“Because,” the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!”
In The MOO-D For Love
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
Q: Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? A: Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Q: Where does a judge eat lunch? A: At the food court
Q: What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? A: Narnia business!
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
When an eel bites your hand
And that’s not what you planned,
That’s a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That’s our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That’s some more hay.
When Othello’s poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That’s a Moor, eh?
EXPERIENCE OF A MINISTER’S WIFE ON THE FRONTIER
from: TOUCHING INCIDENTS AND REMARKABLE ANSWERS TO PRAYER
I remember a day during one winter that stands out like a boulder in my life. The weather was unusually cold, our salary had not been regularly paid, and it did not meet on needs when it was. My husband was away traveling from one district to another much of the time. Our boys were well, but my little Ruth was ailing, and at best none of us were decently clothed. I patched and repatched, with spirits sinking to their lowest ebb. The water gave out in the well, and the wind blew through the cracks in the floor.
The people in the parish were kind, and generous, too, but the settlement was new, and each family was struggling for itself. Little by little, at the time I needed it most, my faith began to waver. Early in life I was taught to take God at His word, and I thought my lesson was well learned. I had lived upon the promises in dark times, until I knew, as David did, “who was my Fortress and Deliverer.”
Now a daily prayer for forgiveness was all that I could offer. My husband’s overcoat was hardly thick enough for October, and he was often obliged to ride miles to attend some meeting or funeral. Many times our breakfast was Indian cake, and a cup of tea without sugar. Christmas was coming; the children always expected their presents. I remember the ice was thick and smooth, and the boys were each craving a pair of skates. Ruth, in some unaccountable way, had taken a fancy that the dolls I had made were no longer suitable; she wanted -a nice large one, and insisted in praying for it. I knew it was impossible; but, oh! How I wanted to give each child its present. It seemed as if God had deserted us, but I did not tell my husband all this. He worked so earnestly and heartily, I supposed him to be as hopeful as ever. I kept the sitting-room cheerful with an open fire, and tried to serve our scanty meals as invitingly as I could.
The morning before Christmas, James was called to see a sick man. I put up a piece of bread for his lunch — it was the best I could do — wrapped my plaid shawl around his neck, and then tried to whisper a promise, as I often had, but the words died away upon my lips. I let him go without it.
That was a dark, hopeless day. I coaxed the children to bed early, for I could not bear their talk. When Ruth went, I listened to her prayer; she asked for the last time most explicitly for her doll, and for skates for her brothers. Her bright face looked so lovely when she whispered to me: “You know I think they’ll be here early tomorrow morning, mamma,” that I thought I could move heaven and earth to save her from disappointment. I sat down alone, and gave way to the most bitter tears.
Before long James returned, chilled and exhausted. He drew off his boots; the thin stockings slipped off with them, and his feet were red with cold. “I wouldn’t treat a dog that way; let alone a faithful servant,” I said. Then, as I glanced up and saw the hard lines in his face and the look of despair, it flashed across me, James had let go, too. I brought him a cup of tea, feeling sick and dizzy at the very thought. He took my hand, and we sat for an hour without a word. I wanted to die and meet God, and tell Him his promise wasn’t true; my soul was so full of rebellious despair.
There came a sound of bells, a quick stop, and a loud knock at the door. James sprang up to open it. There stood Deacon White. “A box came for you by express just before dark. I brought it around as soon as I could get away. Reckoned it might be for Christmas; at any rate, they shall have it tonight. Here is a turkey my wife asked me to fetch along, and these other things I believe belong to you. There was a basket of potatoes and a bag of flour. Talking all the time, he hurried in the box, and then with a hearty good-night rode away.
Still, without speaking, James found a chisel and opened the box. He drew out first a thick red blanket, and we saw that beneath was full of clothing. It seemed at that moment as if Christ fastened upon me a look of reproach. James sat down and covered his face with his hands. “I can’t touch them,” he exclaimed; “I haven’t been true, just when God was trying me to see if I could hold out. Do you think I could not see how you were suffering? And I had no word of comfort to offer. I know now how to preach the awfulness of turning away from God.” “James,” I said, clinging to him, “don’t take it to heart like this; I am to blame, I ought to have helped you.
We will ask Him together to forgive us.” “Wait a moment dear, I cannot talk now;” then he went into another room. I knelt down, and my heart broke; in an instant all the dark-ness, all the stubbornness rolled away. Jesus came again and stood before me, but now with the loving word: “Daughter!” Sweet promises of tenderness and joy flooded my soul. I was so lost in praise and gratitude that I forgot everything else. I don’t know how long it was before James came back, but I knew he too had found peace. “Now, my dear wife,” said he, “let us thank God together;” and then he poured out words of praise; Bible words, for nothing else could express our thanksgiving. It was eleven o’clock, the fire was low, and there was the great box, and nothing touched but the warm blanket we needed.
We piled on some fresh logs, lighted two candles, and began to examine our treasures. We drew out an overcoat; I made James try it on; just the right size, and I danced around him; for all my light heartedness had returned. Then there was a cloak, and he insisted in seeing me in it. My spirits always infected him, and we both laughed like foolish children. There was a warm suit of clothes also, and three pair of woolen hose. There was a dress for me, and yards of flannel, a pair of arctic overshoes for each of us, and in mine was a slip of paper. I have it now, and mean to hand it down to my children. It was Jacob’s blessing to Asher: “Thy shoes shall be iron and brass, and as thy days so shall thy strength be.” In the gloves, evidently for James, the same dear hand had written: “I, the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee: Fear not, I will help thee.” It was a wonderful box, and packed with thoughtful care. There was a suit of clothes for each of the boys, and a little red gown for Ruth. There were mittens, scarfs, and hoods; down in the center, a box; we opened it, and there was a great wax doll.
I burst into tears again; James wept with me for joy. It was too much; and then we both exclaimed again, for close behind it came two pair of skates. There were books for us to read; some of them I had wished to see; stories for the children to read, aprons and underclothing, knots of ribbon, a gay little tidy; a lovely photograph, needles, buttons, and thread; actually a muff, and an envelope containing a ten-dollar gold piece. At last we cried over everything we took up. It was past midnight, and we were faint and exhausted even with happiness. I made a cup of tea, cut a fresh loaf of bread, and James boiled some eggs. We drew up the table before the fire; how we enjoyed our supper! And then we sat talking over our life, and how sure a help God always proved. You should have seen the children the next morning; the boys raised a shout at the sight of their skates. Ruth caught up her doll, and hugged it tightly without a word; then she went into her room and knelt by her bed. When she came back she whispered to me: “I knew it would be here, mamma, but I wanted to thank God just the same, you know.”
“Look here, wife, see the difference.” We went to the
window, and there were the boys out of the house already, and skating on the
crust with all their might. My husband and I both tried to return thanks to the
church in the East that sent us the box, and have tried to return thanks unto
God every day since.
Hard times have come again and again, but we have trusted in Him; dreading nothing so much as a doubt of His protecting care. Over and over again we have proved that, “They that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.” — Christian Witness.