Born In A Barn
It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.
Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”
Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”
___________________________________________________________________
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? A: An abdominal snowman
How does a snowman get to work? A: By icicle
What do snowmen call their offspring? A: Chill-dren or a Snowballs Chance
What’s St. Nicholas’s favorite measurement in the metric system? A. The Santameter! By Briana, age 7
What’s red and white and falls down chimneys? A. Santa Klutz!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit
What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? A. “‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe
What’s Jack Frost’s favorite part of the school day? A. Snow and tell. By Joshua S., Lafayette, Ind.
How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas? Fleas Navidog!
After Watching Christmas Movies: The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.
How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
What do you call a broke Santa Claus?……Saint-nickel-less.
What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?…..This one’s gonna sleigh you!
Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?…..Because it soots him
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling? Mistletoad
Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.”
HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE A GRINCH
1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.(5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add10 points.=)
4. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)
5. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
6. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins. (20 points)
——————–
Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.
10-20: You are just a cheeseball.
20-30: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
40-80: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has arrived.
_____________________________________________________________
You know you’re out of shape when you fall down, and while trying to get back up, you rock yourself to sleep
CHRISTMAS LOVE
Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13.
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family,I’m just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend amyriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of CHRISTMAS LOVE will endure
The Dime
Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn’t wear boots; he didn’t like them and anyway he didn’t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother’s Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, “This is useless,even if I do come up with an idea, I don’t have any money to spend.”
Ever since his father had passed away three years ago,the family of five had struggled. It wasn’t because his mother didn’t care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital,but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.
What the family lacked in money and material things,they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the house hold in their mother’s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn’t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing.
Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn’t easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to.Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window.
Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach.
It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun’s rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment.
As he held his new-found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn’t buy anything with only a dime.
He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line.When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother’s Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering.
Then he put his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and said to him, “You just wait here and I’ll see what I can do for you.” As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers.
The sound of the door closing as the last customer left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter.
There, before Bobby’s eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby’s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box.
“That will be ten cents young man,” the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime!
Sensing the boy’s reluctance, the shop owner added, “I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?”
This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, “Merry Christmas son.”
As he returned inside, the shop keeper’s wife walked out. “Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?”
Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, “A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn’t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway.
Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime.
“When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. “When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses.” The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn’t feel cold at all.
You must be logged in to post a comment.