I, I, I
I am not as good as I should be. I am not as good as I could be. But thank God I’m better than I used to be!
I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and I finished, first.
The older I get, the better I realize I was.
SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING
~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.
~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.
~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.
~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a
self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that
he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.
“Great,” he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, “I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it’s even a better cap than the one I had – it locks…”
A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May
I try on that dress in the window?”
The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”
Our mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.
Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.
Well, to be Frank I’d have to change my name.
Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
For chemists, alcohol is not a problem, it’s a solution.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.
Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.
If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.
If the person who named
Walkie Talkies named everything… we might have had:
Stamps – Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators – Hearty Starties
Bumble Bees – Fuzzy Buzzies
Pregnancy Tests – Maybe Baby
Forks – Stabby Grabbies
Socks – Feetie Heaties
Hippo – Floatie Bloaties
Nightmare – Screamy Dreamy
A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would
you charge for just answering three simple questions?”
The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”
“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”
“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
I don’t get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
A Touching Christmas Story
I hurried into the local department store to grab some last minute Christmas gifts. I looked at all the people and grumbled to myself. I would be in here forever and I just had so much to do. Christmas was beginning to become such a drag. I kinda wished that I could just sleep through Christmas. But I hurried the best I could through all the people to the toy department. Once again I kind of mumbled to myself at the prices of all these toys. And wondered if the grandkids would even play with them.
I found myself in the doll aisle. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a little boy about 5 holding a lovely doll. He kept touching her hair and he held her so gently. I could not seem to help myself. I just kept looking over at the little boy and wondered who the doll was for. I watched him turn to a woman and he called his aunt by name and said, “Are you sure I don’t have enough money” She replied a bit impatiently, “You know that you don’t have enough money for it. The aunt told the little boy not to go anywhere that she had to go get some other things and would be back in a few minutes. And then she left the aisle. The boy continued to hold the doll.
After a bit I asked the boy who the doll was for. He said, “It is the doll my sister wanted so badly for Christmas. She just knew that Santa would bring it.” I told him that maybe Santa was going to bring it. He said “No, Santa can’t go where my sister is…I have to give the doll to my Momma to take to her”. I asked him where his sister was.
He looked at me with the saddest eyes and said “She has gone to be with Jesus”. My Daddy says that Momma is going to have to go be with her. My heart nearly stopped beating. Then the boy looked at me again and said, “I told my Daddy to tell Momma not to go yet. I told him to tell her to wait till I got back from the store”. Then he asked me if I wanted to see his picture. I told him I would love to. He pulled out some pictures he’d had taken at the front of the store. He said “I want my Momma to take this with her so she don’t ever forget me.” “I love my Momma so very much and I wish she did not have to leave me”. “But Daddy says she will need to be with my sister.”
I saw that the little boy had lowered his head and had grown so very quiet. While he was not looking I reached into my purse and pulled out a handfull of bills. I asked the little boy, “Shall we count that money one more time?” He grew excited and said “Yes, I just know it has to be enough”. So I slipped my money in with his and we began to count it.
Of course it was plenty for the doll. He softly said, “Thank you Jesus for giving me enough money.” Then the boy said “I just asked Jesus to give me enough money to buy this doll so Momma can take it with her to give to my sister.” “And he heard my prayer”. “I wanted to ask him for enough to buy my Momma a white rose, but I didn’t ask him, but he gave me enough to buy the doll and a rose for my Momma.” “She loves white roses so very very much”.
In a few minutes the aunt came back and I wheeled my cart away. I could not keep from thinking about the little boy as I finished my shopping in a totally different spirit than when I had started. And I kept remembering a story I had seen in the newspaper several days earlier about a drunk driver hitting a car and killing a little girl and the Mother was in serious condition. The family was deciding on rather to remove the life support. Now surely this little boy did not belong with that story.
Two days later I read in the paper where the family had disconnected the life support and the young woman had died. I could not forget the little boy and just kept wondering if the two were somehow connected. Later that day, I could not help myself and I went out and bought some white roses and took them to the funeral home where the young woman was. And there she was holding a lovely white rose, the beautiful doll, and the picture of the little boy in the store.
I left there in tears, my life changed forever. The love that little boy had for his little sister and his mother was overwhelming. And in a split second a drunk driver had ripped the life of that little boy to pieces. “We make a living by what we get; We make a life by what we give.”
Tags: #christianhumor, #churchbulletinjokes, #cleanjokes, #devotionalhumor, Christian Humor, Church Bulletin Jokes, Clean Jokes
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