Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points
at a picture in a zoo book and says, “Look, Mama! It’s a frickin’
Deep breath … “What did you call it?”
“It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!”
and so it does …
“A f r i c a n Elephant.”
Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?
ADVICE FROM AN OLD
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can’t unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
I’m tired of reality — I want a fairy godmother!
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness? Very large ones.
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
“A group of ophthalmologists proposed a resolution to make 2020 the ‘Year of the Eye’. The resolution was passed unanimously. The Eyes had it!”
Vikings were expert mariners – you can lead a Norse to water, but you can’t make him sink.
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and
then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make
him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his
friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but
his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the
pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”
Today more and more cities have red light cameras, to
take photos of cars running red lights.
In one particular city, a man received a ticket in the mail along with a picture of himself in a car, running the red light. The fine was $700.
So the man, thinking that this just wasn’t right, got two $100 bills, took a picture of them, and sent in the picture to the police.
One week later he received a picture of a pair of handcuffs. He promptly sent the money that day.
More NON- Cents
An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no
friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to
gather around his bedside.
“I have always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It’s in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel exactly right. I’m going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we’re building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”
The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.”
The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a
baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her
dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own “baptism.”
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, “Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose.”
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick
were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on
the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to
check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly
stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.
Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
“Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.
“Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day…”
As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was
preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my guitar, but my
electronic tuner was missing. “Maybe I left it in the car,” I
thought. Heading out to the garage, I passed my husband in the living room,
watching TV. “Please pray that I find my tuner,” I mentioned out loud
and then I asked God to help me find it.
As I searched through the car, I didn’t find anything in the back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled out a can of tuna.
My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house and came out to the garage. “Honey,” I chuckled, “the Lord sure answered that prayer — New England accent and all!”
What Love Looks Like
The story starts out where she, Beth, is sitting at an
airport terminal, waiting to board a plane. She was sitting there with several
other people who were also waiting, whom she did not know.
As she waited, she pulled out her Bible and started reading. All of a sudden she felt as if the people sitting there around her, were looking at her. She looked up, but realized that they were looking just over her head, in the direction right behind her.
She turned around to see what everyone was looking at, and when she did, she saw a stewardess pushing a wheelchair, with the ugliest old man sitting in it, that she had ever seen before. She said he had this long white hair that was all tangled and such a mess. His face was really, really wrinkled, and he didn’t look friendly at all. She said she didn’t know why, but she felt drawn to the man, and thought at first that God wanted her to witness to him. In her mind she said she was thinking, “Oh, God, please, not now, not here.”
No matter what she did, she couldn’t get the man off of her mind, and all of a sudden she knew what God wanted her to do. She was supposed to brush this old man’s hair.
She went and knelt down in front of the old man, and said “Sir, may I have the honor of brushing your hair for you?”
He said “What?”
She thought, “Oh great, he’s hard of hearing.” Again, a little louder, she said, “Sir, may I have the honor of brushing your hair for you?”
He answered, “If you are going to talk to me, you are going to have to speak up, I am practically deaf.”
So this time, she was almost yelling, “Sir may I please have the honor of brushing your hair for you?”
Everyone was watching to see what his response would be. The old man just looked at her confused, and said “Well, I guess if you really want to.”
She said, “I don’t even have a brush, but I thought I would ask anyway.”
He said, “Look in the bag hanging on the back of my chair, there is a brush in there.”
So she got the brush out and started brushing his hair. She has a little girl with long hair, so she has had lots of practice getting tangles out, and knew how to be gentle with him. She worked for a long time, until every last tangle was out.
Just as she was finishing up, she heard the old man crying, and she went and put her hands on his knees, kneeling in front of him again looking directly into his eyes, and said “Sir, do you know Jesus?”
He answered, “Yes, of course I know Jesus. You see, my bride told me she couldn’t marry me unless I knew Jesus, so I learned all about Jesus, and asked Him to come into my heart many years ago, before I married my bride.”
He continued, “You know, I am on my way home to go and see my wife. I have been in the hospital for a long time, and had to have a special surgery in this town far from my home. My wife couldn’t come with me, because she is so frail herself.”
He said, “I was so worried about how terrible my hair looked, and I didn’t want her to see me looking so awful, but I couldn’t brush my hair, all by myself.”
Tears were rolling down his cheeks, as he thanked Beth for brushing his hair. He thanked her over and over again.
She was crying, people all around witnessing this were crying, and as they were all boarding the plane, the stewardess, who was also crying, stopped her, and asked, “Why did you do that?”
And right there was the opportunity, the door that had been opened to share with someone else, the love of God. We don’t always understand God’s ways, but be ready, He may use us to meet the need of someone else, like He met the need of this old man, and in that moment, also calling out to a lost soul who needed to know about His love.