Standing Orders

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” the pastor said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Halleluiah Chorus”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

Utterly Ridiculous

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

Yep..wait for it;…It went in one ear and out the udder.

Deep Trouble

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn’t swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

“Is it true?” the newcomer asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No I can’t,” the captain replied. “Can pilots fly?”

Upon This Rock

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her, he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

“Well,” his therapist responded, “if you want to get the girl, you’ll just have to be a little boulder!”

FACTOIDS

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Legacy

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,”I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

Perils of Wisdom

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Straw Poll

I’ve always ordered beverages one simple way: “A Coke, please.”

Lately, though, this hasn’t seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, “I’m sorry, we don’t have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb.”

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I’d make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a “dark, carbonated beverage.”

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, “Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?”

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

Teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

Fiddler On The Woof

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For Pete’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS

The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

A harp is a nude piano.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Looking UP

He was just a little boy, on a week’s first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the “filler”.

A bird’s nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course, and hailed him from the lawn,
Asked him where he’d been that day and what was going on.

“I’ve been to Bible School,” he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, “I’ve learned a lot of God.”
“M’m very fine way,” the neighbor said, “for a boy to spend his time.”
“If you’ll tell me where God is, I’ll give you a brand new dime.”

Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor were his accents faint.
“I’ll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain’t.”

Q: What do you call a magic dog? A: A labracadabrador.

Q: What do you call an American drawing?  A: Yankee doodle!

Q: How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America?
A: Because freedom rings!

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?  A: At the bottom.

Branch Management

A guy strikes up a conversation with a lumberjack that he meets in a bar.

“How many trees do you think you’ve chopped down?” the guy asks.

“Exactly 2,742,” the lumberjack replies.

“How do you know?”

“Because every time I chop one down, I keep a log.”

Staff Meeting

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time – the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

FOUR TOLD

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

“We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free.”

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four!”

PROTECTED BY ANGELS

A good clergyman was once sent to a wild and dangerous part of Australia on some errand of duty and mercy traveled up to the place too poor to be in any great from bush-rangers or robbers, but as he came back he had to bring in his saddle-bags a large sum of money not of his but belonging to the dying man he had been sent for to comfort.

He knew that a dangerous robber was aware that riding along this lonely track through the bush with all his about him, and when he got to one part of the road he felt so frightened that he thought he was not trusting God as a Christian should.

He wanted a little quiet, so he got off his horse and by it, with his eyes shaded against it, praying for faith courage not to be afraid of bush-rangers or robbers, and to guarded against them. He prayed till he felt calm enough ride on, and then he mounted his horse and reached the in safety with the money which he had in charge.

Some time later he was once more called to visit a man a sick bed, and he recognized him as the robber of whom had been so afraid in his ride. This man told him that he felt he could not die without confessing that on that day he had followed him, intending to rob and murder him, but could get no opportunity.

“Why did you not do it when I got off my horse?” asked the clergyman in surprise.

“I could not then,” said the bush-ranger; “there were too many of you.”

“What do you mean?” asked the clergyman. “I was quite alone in the bush, standing with my head resting against my horse’s side for a long time. You could have killed me then.”

“You were not alone,” said the bush-ranger; “I saw you standing as you describe, but there was a man on each side there had been no other men with the clergyman in that hour of terror when he cried to God, but it is just possible that God really opened the robbers eyes and showed him his angels guarding his servant as he went on his dangerous duty, as Elisha’s servant’s eyes were opened to see guardians around his muster.

Whatever may be the explanation God did send his angels to frighten away the robber, and by so doing he saved him from a great crime as well as the good clergyman from death.  – The Mission Worker.

“Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to for them who who shall be heirs of salvation?”