Random Robby Ramblings


Everyone can bring joy — some by arriving, others by leaving.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That’s humerus.

I stood on my talking scales today and they said “please practice social distancing, only one person at a time”.

Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract Coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.

Have you had to wear glasses and a mask at the same time because of Covid-19?

You may be entitled to condensation.

Where does a person with halitosis shop?  Bad breath and beyond.

The supermarkets in France all look like they have been hit by a natural disaster. All that remains is de brie.

I recently purchased a toilet brush. Long story short I’m going back to toilet paper.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She looked surprised.

RED Handed

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

The Chitlin’ Incident

A lady named Glory bought a bucket of chitlins (or chitterlings if spelled correctly) every week at the store. One day she went to the store, and there were no chitlins! She approached the store manager and demanded to know why there were no chitlins in the store.

The manager responded, “I’m sorry. We will no longer be selling chitlins.”

In a fury, Glory declared, “Then I will not be back in your store! You know the old saying.”

“What saying is that?” the manager asked.

Glory looked him in the eye with a cold stare and responded, “No guts, no Glory.”

Kids Repeat What They Think They Hear

  1. “God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!”

    2. “O Susanna, Oh don’t you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!”

    3. “Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.”

    4. “We shall come to Joyce’s bringing in the cheese.”

    5. “Yield not to Penn Station.”

    6. “While shepherds washed their socks by night.”

    7. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go.”

Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled. “Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!” Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47, it’s……”

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Woman’s Prayer

Dear Lord…

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, complained, or cursed. I have not charged on my credit card or eaten any chocolate.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that!

Amen.

Mariage

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, “Please describe your two loves.”

“Well, one is a beautiful blond, great smile laugh, she even has her doctorate in Latin Studies and just an amazing poet.”

“And the other?”

“Brunette, super smart and organized, lovely face, hair and figure … And she is a fantastic cook, she makes delicious pancakes.”

“I see. So, you can’t decide whether to marry for batter or for verse.”

Everybody Knows Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day. “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. “Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says. “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and share a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what. I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

A Trucker’s Last Letter

Steamboat Mountain was a man killer, and truckers who hauled the Alaska Highway treated it with great respect. Particularly in the winter, the road used to curve and twist over the mountain, and sheer cliffs dropped away sharply from the icy road. Countless trucks and truckers have been lost there over the years and many dreams were dashed upon its rocky slopes.

Many years ago on one trip up the highway, I came upon an RCMP cruiser and several wreckers winching the remains of a semi up the cliff. I parked my rig and went over to the quiet group of truckers who were watching the wreckage slowly come into sight.

One of the Mounties walked over to us and spoke quietly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “The driver was dead when we found him. He must have gone over the side two days ago when we had a bad snowstorm. There weren’t many tracks. It was just a fluke that we noticed the sun shining off some chrome.”

He shook his head slowly and reached into his parka pocket. “Here, maybe you guys should read this. I guess he lived for a couple of hours until the cold got to him.”

My Darling Wife,

This is a letter that no man ever wants to write, but I’m lucky enough to have some time to say what I’ve forgotten to say so many times.

I love you, Sweetheart.

You used to kid me that I loved the truck more than you because I spent more time with her. I do love this piece of iron — she’s been good to me. She’s seen me through touch times and tough places and I could always count on her in a long haul and she was speedy in the stretches. She never let me down.

But you want to know something? I love you for the same reasons. You’ve seen me through the tough times and places, too.

Remember the first truck? That run down “ol’ corn binder” that kept us broke all the time but always made just enough money to keep us eating? You went out and got a job so that we could pay the rent and bills. Every cent I made went into the truck while your money kept us in food with a roof over our heads.

I remember that I complained about the truck, but I don’t remember you ever complaining when you came home tired from work and I asked you for money to go on the road again. If you did complain, I guess I didn’t hear you. I was too wrapped up with my problems to think of yours.

I think now of all the things you gave up for me. The clothes, the holidays, the parties, the friends. You never complained and somehow I never remembered to thank you for being you.

When I sat having coffee with the boys, I always talked about the truck, my rig, my payments. I guess I forgot you were my partner even if you weren’t in the cab with me. It was your sacrifices and determination as much as mine that finally got the new truck. I was so proud of that truck I was bursting. I was proud of you, too, but I never told you that. I took it for granted you knew, but if I had spent as much time talking with you as I did polishing chrome, perhaps I would have.

I always knew your prayers rode with me. But this time they weren’t enough. I’m hurt and it’s bad. I’ve made my last mile and I want to say the things that should have been said so many times before. The things that were forgotten because I was too concerned about the truck and the job. I’m thinking about the missed anniversaries and birthdays. The school plays and hockey games that you went to alone because I was on the road.

I’m thinking of the peace of mind I had knowing that you were at home with the kids, waiting for me. The family dinners where you spent all your time telling your folks why I couldn’t make it — I was busy changing oil, I was busy looking for parts; I was sleeping because I was leaving early the next morning.

There was always a reason, but somehow they don’t seem very important right now.

When we were married, you didn’t know how to change a light bulb. Within a couple of years, you were fixing the furnace in a blizzard while I was waiting for a load in Florida. You became a pretty good mechanic, helping me with repairs, and I was mighty proud of you that time you jumped into the truck and backed it up over the rose bushes.

I was proud of you when I pulled into the yard and saw you sleeping in the car waiting for me. Whether it was two in the morning or two in the afternoon, you always looked like a movie star to me. You’re beautiful, you know. I guess I haven’t told you that lately, but you are.

I made lots of mistakes in my life, but if I only ever made one good decision, it was then I asked you to marry me. You never could understand what it was that kept me trucking. I couldn’t either, but it was my way of life and you stuck with me. Good times, bad times, you were always there.

I love you sweetheart, and I love our kids.

My body hurts but my heart hurts even more. You won’t be there when I end this trip. For the first time since we’ve been together, I’m really alone and it scares me. I need you so badly, and I know it’s too late.

It’s funny I guess, but what I have now is the truck. This damned truck that ruled our lives for so long. This twisted hunk of steel that I lived in and with for so many years. But it can’t return my love. Only you can do that.

You’re a thousand miles away but I feel you here with me. I can see your face and feel your love and I’m scared to make the final run alone.

Tell the kids that I love them very much and don’t let them drive any truck for a living.

I guess that’s about it honey. My God, but I love you so very much. Take care of yourself and always remember that I loved you more than anything in life.

I just forgot to tell you.

I Love You,
Bill