Random Robby Ramblings
Everyone can bring joy — some by arriving, others by leaving.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That’s humerus.
I stood on my talking scales today and they said “please practice social distancing, only one person at a time”.
Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract Coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.
Have you had to wear glasses and a mask at the same time because of Covid-19?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Where does a person with halitosis shop? Bad breath and beyond.
The supermarkets in France all look like they have been hit by a natural disaster. All that remains is de brie.
I recently purchased a toilet brush. Long story short I’m going back to toilet paper.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”
The Chitlin’ Incident
A lady named Glory bought a bucket of chitlins (or chitterlings if spelled correctly) every week at the store. One day she went to the store, and there were no chitlins! She approached the store manager and demanded to know why there were no chitlins in the store.
The manager responded, “I’m sorry. We will no longer be selling chitlins.”
In a fury, Glory declared, “Then I will not be back in your store! You know the old saying.”
“What saying is that?” the manager asked.
Glory looked him in the eye with a cold stare and responded, “No guts, no Glory.”
Kids Repeat What They Think They Hear
- “God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!”
2. “O Susanna, Oh don’t you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!”
3. “Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.”
4. “We shall come to Joyce’s bringing in the cheese.”
5. “Yield not to Penn Station.”
6. “While shepherds washed their socks by night.”
7. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go.”
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled. “Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!” Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47, it’s……”
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, complained, or cursed. I have not charged on my credit card or eaten any chocolate.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that!
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, “Please describe your two loves.”
“Well, one is a beautiful blond, great smile laugh, she even has her doctorate in Latin Studies and just an amazing poet.”
“And the other?”
“Brunette, super smart and organized, lovely face, hair and figure … And she is a fantastic cook, she makes delicious pancakes.”
“I see. So, you can’t decide whether to marry for batter or for verse.”
Everybody Knows Bubba
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day. “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. “Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says. “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and share a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what. I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”
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