Random Robby Ramblings
I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British!
Did you see that stunning lady that appreciated her Mexican food. She’s a Taco Belle.
Long Johns – Pirates wear hem when it gets really cold & Arrrrgyle Sweaters
How did the pirate call his mate? On his aye phone.
Why did the pirate go on holiday? He was in serious need of some Aaaaaar and Aaaaaaar.
Where did the pirate purchase his hook? At the 2nd hand store of course.
How do older pirates get around? With Davy Jones Walker.
What do you call a pirate that uses a pumpkin as a belt? A squash buckler
A red and a blue pirate ship just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the pastor said. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.”
A Will To Remember
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
“To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.”
The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you were wrong.
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a “For Sale” sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man’s house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, “I thought you told me this mower would run!”
The boy replied, “Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start.”
The Man responded, “Son, I’m a preacher; I don’t know any cuss words!”
“You keep pulling on that starter rope and some’ll come to you!”
A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named “Amal.” The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Elementary Kids Sayings
- “When I worked with kindergarten children, we took them on an outing one afternoon and they all came back very tired at the end of the day. So they were all looking at books in the story corner by themselves, quietly waiting for their parents to pick them up. This little girl had been looking at a story for a good ten minutes, but all of a sudden she looked at me, and with an accusing/confused look on her face shouted: ‘Wait a minute … I CAN’T READ!’”
- “I was helping a kindergartner with some reading, and we were reading a story about fathers. The little girl stops and says, ‘My mom still has her father!’ I said ‘That’s good,’ and she responds with, ‘Yep, he’s in a vase in the living room!’”
- “One of my fifth graders came up with this: ‘The First Amendment for birds is freedom of SCREECH!’”
- Student A: I can spell my mom’s name. Me: Oh yeah? How do you spell it? Student A: M-O-M. Student B: That’s how you spell MY mom’s name, too!
Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 – 6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
And You Are………………
* 0-5 = You’re still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don’t tell your age
* 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!
A Brother’s Hands
Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children. Eighteen!
In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood.
Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of the elder children, Albrecht and Albert, had a dream. They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the Academy.
After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact. They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy. Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines.
They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg.
Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation. Albrecht’s etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.
When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht’s triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition.
His closing words were, “And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will take care of you.”
All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated, over and over, “No… no… no… no.”
Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, “No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg. It is too late for me. Look… Look what four years in the mines have done to my hands! The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush. No, brother… for me it is too late.”
More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer’s hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, water colors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer’s works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.
One day, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother’s abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward. He called his powerful drawing simply “Hands,” but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love “The Praying Hands.” The next time you see a copy of that touching creation, take a second look. Let it be your reminder, that no one – no one – ever makes it alone!
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