Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things: “Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
“So why do YOU have so much hair?” Little Johnny asks.
“Go eat your breakfast!” snarled his mother.
Just You Wait
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.
One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”
I was going to post a time-traveling joke…but you guys didn’t like it.
One day, an employee received an unusually large paycheck. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.
“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A big check,” replied the guide.
Q: What happened to the sun burnt banana?
A: It started to peel.
Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Rodney Dangerfield Lines
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”
Q: What does Godzilla drive?
A: A monster truck!
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If I Had My Life To Live Over
by Erma Bombeck
If I Had My Life To Live Over…….
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy,I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more “I love you’s”.. more “I’m sorry’s”
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute…look at it and really see it… live it…and never give it back.