SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE WORLD’S LEADING CARRIERS OF
Hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, and most of all, monetary aid to their kids!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)
Playing A Hunch
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
The Running Of The Bull
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said,
“I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish – on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.”
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
The comments of an
“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children…
Now I have six children and no theories!”
Locked and Loaded
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
One Sunday morning at a small southern church the new
pastor called on one of the older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The
deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”
The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was
going. The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was
The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour either. But after you mix ’em all together and bake ’em in a hot oven…. I just love biscuits!
The deacon didn’t stop there. “Lord,” he said, help us realize when things come up that we don’t like, whenever we don’t understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making. After you get through mixing and baking, it’ll probably be something even better than biscuits. Amen.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a
A: Wet feet.
Q: What clothes does a house wear?
Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Plenty of room.
Q: Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
A: He was looking for the space bar!
Q: Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
A: Cause he was caught with seaweed.
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
~ “Come on In! by Doris Open
~ “The German Bank Robbery” by Hans Zupp
~ “I Hate the Sun” by Gladys Knight
~ “Prison Security” by Barb Dweyer
~ “Irish First Aid” by R. U. O’Kaye
~ “My Career As a Clown” by Abe Ozo
~ “I Didn’t Do It!” by Ivan Alibi
~ “Why I Eat at McDonalds” by Tommy Ayk
~ “I Hit the Wall” by Isadore There
~ “The Bruce Lee Story” by Marsha Larts
~ “Take This Job and Shove It” by Ike Witt
~ “Rapunzel Rapunzel” by Harris Long
~ “Split Personalities” by Jacqueline Hyde
UGLY THE TOMCAT
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.
The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been, there was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side. His left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.
Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. “That’s one UGLY cat!!!”
All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction.
If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.
Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor’s dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.
As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.
Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.
Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply — to give my total to those I cared for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, and beautiful — except for me. I will always try to be Ugly.