A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I
“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to
write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
People are using the word lockdown because they don’t know how to spell kwarinteen.
I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.
I’ve absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels recently that whenever I go, it cleans the toilet.
I’m pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, “What the heck do you want now?!”
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
My house got TP’d last night … it’s now appraised value has doubled!
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
~ Don’t Stand so Close to Me, The Police
~ Stayin’ Alive, Bee Gees
~ Take My Breath Away, Berlin
~ Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Georgia Satellites
~ The Cure, Lady Gaga
~ I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
~ All By Myself, Eric Carmen
~ Can’t Touch This, MC Hammer
~ In My Room, Beach Boys
Actual complaints received by a resort chain:
~ “On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
~ “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price”
~ “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
~ “No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
~ “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
~ “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
~ “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
~ “My sister woke up late and didn’t get a free continental breakfast.”
The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A.:
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament — Ears pierced
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.
Maid of Awner
When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car’s license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.
Our sign read “Just Married!”
There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was the biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger.
Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?
A: He wanted to rake in some cash.
Before a mother knows the sex of her baby it’s a hidden agender.
Mother’s Day Warm Up
Ryan: Why did you chop the joke book in half?
John: Mom said to cut the comedy.
Erin: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?
Erin: “We’re gonna have a BB!”
Joker: Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks?
Harvey: I have no clue.
Joker: She heard he grew another foot!
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?
Robbie: No. Larry.
A little girl asked her mom, “How did the human race appear?”
Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mom and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
“It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
“Son: Mom, Dad keeps making Dad jokes!
Son: So, what’s a Mom joke?
Mom: “Look in the Mirror, dear.”
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied: “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked: “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
The family were disappointed with their Mother’s Day celebrations on the moon. The food was terrific but the restaurant lacked atmosphere.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
What do you call a mom that can’t draw? — Tracy
What did the Egyptian Baby cry when it got lost… I want my Mummy
What did the mother shark say to its son— watch that sharkism young man.
Carl was a quiet man. He didn’t talk much. He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake. Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years, no one could really say they knew him very well.
Before his retirement, he took the bus to work each morning. The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us. He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII. Watching him, we worried that although he had survived WWII, he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random violence, gangs and drug activity.
When he saw the flyer at our local church asking for volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the minister’s residence, he responded in his characteristically unassuming manner. Without fanfare, he just signed up.
He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened. He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him. Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked, “Would you like a drink from the hose?” The tallest and toughest-looking of the three said, “Yeah, sure,” with a malevolent little smile. As Carl offered the hose to him, the other two grabbed Carl’s arm, throwing him down. As the hose snaked crazily over the ground, dousing everything in its way, Carl’s assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet, and then fled.
Carl tried to get himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad leg. He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running out to help him. Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window, he couldn’t get there fast enough to stop it. “Carl, are you okay? Are you hurt?” the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet. Carl just passed a hand over his brow and signed, shaking his head. “Just some punk kids. I hope they’ll wise-up someday.” His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose. He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water.
Confused and a little concerned, the minister asked, “Carl, what are you doing?” “I’ve got to finish my watering. It’s been very dry lately,” came the calm reply. Satisfying himself that Carl really was alright, the minister could only marvel. Carl was a man from a different time and place.
A few weeks later the three returned. Just as before, their threat was unchallenged. Carl again offered them a drink from his hose. This time they didn’t rob him. They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water. When they had finished their humiliation of him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing catcalls and curses, falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done. Carl just watched them. Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his hose, and went on with his watering.
The summer was quickly fading into fall. Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him. He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches. As he struggled to regain his footing, he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him. He braced himself for the expected attack. “Don’t worry old man. I’m not going to hurt you this time.” The young man spoke softly, still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl.
As he helped Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl. “What’s this?” Carl asked. “It’s your stuff,” the man explained. “It’s your stuff back. Even the money in your wallet.” “I don’t understand,” Carl said. “Why would you help me now?”
The man shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at ease. “I learned something from you,” he said. “I ran with that gang and hurt people like you. We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it. But every time we came and did something to you, instead of yelling and fighting back, you tried to give us a drink. You didn’t hate us for hating you. You kept showing love against our hate.” He stopped for a moment. “I couldn’t sleep after we stole your stuff, so here it is back.” He paused for another awkward moment, not knowing what more there was to say. “That bag’s my way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I guess.” And with that, he walked off down the street.
Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist. Opening his wallet, he checked for his wedding photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride that still smiled back at him from all those years ago.
He died one cold day after Christmas that winter. Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather. In particular, the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn’t know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church. The minister spoke of Carl’s garden as a lesson in life. In a voice made thick with unshed tears, he said, “Do you best and make your garden as beautiful as you can. We will never forget Carl and his garden.”
The following spring another flyer went up. It read: “Person needed to care for Carl’s garden.” The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister’s office door. Opening the door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer. “I believe this is my job, if you’ll have me,” the young man said. The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl. He knew that Carl’s kindness had turned this man’s life around. As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said, “Yes, go take care of Carl’s garden and honor him.”
The man went to work and, over the next several years, he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done. In that time, he went to college, got married, and became a prominent member of the community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl’s memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it.
One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn’t care for the garden any longer. He explained with a shy and happy smile, “My wife just had a baby boy last night, and she’s bringing him home on Saturday.” “Well, congratulations!” said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed keys. “That’s wonderful! What’s the baby’s name?” “Carl,” he replied.