Baaad Asumption

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God’s sheep.  Then he asked, “If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?”  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: “Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd.”

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, “Well, then, who am I?”

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

Bad Judge – Ment

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor — it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up.

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begged the attorney.

“Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the funeral home.”


A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?”

The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face.

The man said “What did you do that for?”

The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?”

The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.”

Shellfish Oyster

Gal 1: “Hey, you look sad, what’s the trouble?”
Gal 2: “Domestic trouble.”
Gal 1: “But you always bragged that your husband is a pearl!”
Gal 2: “He still is. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.”

Buffaloed Bartender

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee!”

The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

It’s Only Natural

In one of Immigration classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

Half Lit

Halfway through a romantic dinner out, my husband smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.”

I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights.”


The Lone Ranger and Tonto hitch their horses outside a saloon and go inside for a beer. Soon after, a man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I do. What’s the problem?”

The man says, “You better go look at him. I think he’s hot.”

The Lone Ranger goes outside to check on his horse, and sure enough, the horse is overheated and distressed.

“Quick, Tonto, run circles around Silver. You will create a draft and cool him down.”

Tonto starts running around the horse to cool him down, and the Lone Ranger goes back into the saloon to enjoy his beer. Soon after, another man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger again replies, “I do. What’s the problem now?”

“You’ve left the Injun running.”

Flower Power

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!'”

Par For The Course

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, “Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I’ll get it for you.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.” With that, the physician left.

The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

“Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that one of them didn’t have a swimming pool, and I didn’t think that was good enough for ya. So I had a pool installed and the clubs are all ready for you now!”


Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?  A: Because he was on a roll.

Q: How do you start a book about ducks?  A: With an introducktion.

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper? A: “Hey, what’s shaking?”


A girl friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that she see a doctor and have her legs checked out. For years, she refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, she finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered her left leg was a half-inch shorter than her right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and she no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “you didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

She just looked at me and said, “I stand corrected.”


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So… I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

Sleeping Through The Storm

A young man applied for a job as a farmhand.  When the farmer asked for his qualifications, he said, “I can sleep through a storm.”

This puzzled the farmer… but he liked the young man.  So he hired him.

A few weeks later, the farmer and his wife were awakened in the night by a violent storm ripping through the valley.  He leapt out of bed and called for his new hired hand, but the young man was sleeping soundly.

So they quickly began to check things to see if all was secure.  They found that the shutters of the farmhouse had been securely fastened.  A good supply of logs had been set next to the fireplace.

The farmer and his wife then inspected their property.  They found that the farm tools had been placed in the storage shed, safe from the elements.  He sees that the bales of wheat had been bound and wrapped in tarpaulins.

The tractor had been moved into its garage. The barn was properly locked tight. Even the animals were calm and had plenty of feed. All was well.

The farmer then understood the meaning of the young man’s words, “I can sleep through a storm.”

Because the farmhand did his work loyally and faithfully when the skies were clear, he was prepared for any storm.  So when the storm did actually break, he was not concerned or afraid.  He could sleep in peace.


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