Papal Wave

Facing a large crowd, the Pope says to President Trump and Vice President Biden, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Donald and Joe replied, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show us!”

So the Pope slapped them.

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

“What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!”


Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

“Why do fish live in saltwater?” Because pepper makes them sneeze!

“What do you call a dancing cow?” A milkshake!

Our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain “tarp as shacks.”

I have kleptomania, but I’m taking something for it.

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Messy Rules

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

Church Signs

“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

“People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”

“How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”

“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”

“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)

So, here we go–the top 9 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

9. Chateau Traileur Parc

8. White Trashfindel

7. Big Red Gulp

6. Grape Expectations

5. NASCARbernet

4. Chef Boyardeaux

3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

A Cute Independence

Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin.

She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, “You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber’s doctor took out her independence and she’s still living.”

Billy’s Folly

Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Drug Inter – Action

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny’s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny’s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor’s instructions, it read, “Do not take with broccoli.”

Far From Alone – Guidepost by Wes Allard – Posted on Jul 22, 2020

I was 21 years old, spend­ing my second Christmas in Korea after being drafted into the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. I was alone, walking back to my barracks after a night out with the guys. It was cold and dark, Christmas Eve. I wrapped my arms around myself and trudged onward.

Everyone had talked about what they missed back home. The holiday festivities. Their families. All my comrades had some­thing they’d return to. But not me. I didn’t even mind being far away for the holidays.

I’d had a rootless childhood, landing with my grandparents when I was 11. I never met my dad. I didn’t even have a brother to lean on. I resented the fact that I was basically alone in the world.

My thoughts weighed heavy as I opened the door to my barracks. Darkness enveloped the room. I headed down the center aisle toward my bed when something caught my eye. A fuzzy light was hovering at the far end of the room. Was one of the guys playing a trick on me?

“Who is that?” I asked. “What are you up to?”

No answer. This didn’t look like a security light or even a f lashlight beam. The shining orb was soft and white, about the size of my hand. Somehow familiar.

Slowly, it moved toward me. I walked in its direction, as if in a trance. I stopped at my bunk, eyes fixed, and sat down. The light moved closer, getting brighter until it was upon me, so blinding that I had to bow my head. Something touched me, surrounded me. I felt warm and secure, like I’d been embraced. The glow washed over me, bathing me in calm.

Everything—loneliness, resentment, envy—all my heaviness melted away. In its place was a tranquility I’d never known. I didn’t want it to end. It seemed to stay for­ever and yet not long enough. And then it was gone.

There I was again, just me, alone in the barracks. But I was changed. The memory of that angelic embrace has never left me. That Christmas, God gave me the gift of a lifetime: the assurance that I was far from rootless. I was rooted in him.


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