Random Robby Ramblings
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll own the whole set.
LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION
Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
When you’re young and drop something, you pick it up. When you’re older and drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you need it anymore.
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
I teach people the benefits of eating dried grapes? I call it Raisin awareness.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
What do you call a talking turtle? …..A cartoon.
Where do typists go to get or a drink? The space bar.
After I took the job in archeology my life is in ruins…
When the nurse told me she was going to draw my blood I handed her a red pen.
When is a Australian bear not a bear? When he doesn’t have the right koalifications.
Physiotherapists in Egypt’s capitol – Cairopractors
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
“Strike one!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
“Strike two!” he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest PITCHER in the world!”
Overherd on The Arc
11. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”
10. “Hey, there are more that two flies in here!”
9. “I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family…”
8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”
7. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants–QUICK!”
6. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?”
5. “Don’t make me pull this Ark over and come back there!”
4. “No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”
3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”
2. “Nice doggie!”
1. “Are we there yet?”
Hymns for Professionals
DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns
CONTRACTORS: The church’s one foundation
OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labor on
GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away
POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises
LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence
DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink
CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge to keep have I
TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?” asks the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look and then says, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it?”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
“Look at its hands,” says the second crow. “It’s not holding a mobile phone.”
My screwdrivers kept disappearing out of the kitchen drawer – the only possible explanation had to be that a ghost was doing it, because both my husband and my son swore they never touched them. I mean, the tools often showed up in my husband’s workshop or on my son’s bedroom floor weeks later, but that was probably because it’s one of those poltergeists who likes to move things around, because why would these dear people who love me ever lie to me, right?
So I bought some new screwdrivers and some of this tape, in PINK. After I wrapped this tape around the handles of my screwdrivers, voila! Like magic, they stopped vanishing from the drawer! Amazing, right? I’m going to get some more for my hammer and my pliers, now.
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”
An older Jewish man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”
My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.”
I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”
When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard Stands.”
When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Grand Junction, Colo.
When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
The Master’s Hand
Wishing to encourage her young son’s progress on the piano, a mother took the small boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked “NO ADMITTANCE.”
When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her son was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy’s ear, “Don’t quit, keep playing.”
Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obligatio. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized.
That’s the way it is with God. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren’t exactly graceful flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our life’s work truly can be beautiful. Next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You can hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, “Don’t quit, keep playing.” Feel His loving arms around you. Know that His strong hands are playing the concerto of your life. Remember, God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.