by Melisa Marzett
1. A little boy, sitting in his grandfather’s lap, asks his grandfather:
– Grandfather, were you with Noah aboard a ship?
“Of course not,” said the grandfather, smiling.
“Why didn’t you drown then?”
2. The priest repairs the stool in his garden. Suddenly, he discovers that a company of neighboring boys is surreptitiously watching his company.
– What are you, my children, want to learn how to hammer in nails? – asks the priest.
“No,” says one of the boys, “we want to hear what the priest says when he hits himself on the finger with a hammer.”
3. To win the attention of the listeners, the pastor began the sermon with the following words: “Yesterday I was with one woman who hugged me, kissed me and called me gently, but this was not my wife …”
After some silence, he continued: it was my mother.
Having seen what effect such an introduction had on those present, the young preacher decided to use this method. The following Sunday, he came to his church and began to preach: “Yesterday I was at the same woman who hugged me, kissed me and called me gently, but this was not my wife …”
Then he realized that he had forgotten the pastor’s sermon and, after some silence, added embarrassedly: “But I don’t remember who she was.”
(the moral is: you have to be an eagle, not a parrot).
4. Christian happens to be in a paradise. The angel meets him, accompanies him to beautiful places and shows where that is.
“Here we have the Baptists, here the Charismatics, here the Pentecostals, here …”
Here the Christian sees an enclosed space from which one can hear the chants.
“And who is there?” The Christian cries in surprise.
“Shh! There (the name of the denomination, you can enter your own), but they think that they are alone here. “
5. The boy at the confession. The priest asks him: “But didn’t you have to pick money out of the church piggy bank with a knife.”
“No, but the idea is good.”
There was a rabbi, and he loved to play golf. And somehow, on Saturday I could not stand it and went to play, although it was forbidden. An angel from heaven saw this and drew the attention of God to this circumstance.
God says, “Now we will punish.”
The rabbi hits the ball and hits the hole with one punch. Angel puzzled exclaims: “And this is called a punishment?”.
“Well, yes, to whom he will now tell about it!”
7. Father is alcohol the enemy of health? “.
“Of course, the enemy.”
“And why do you use it?»
“And as it says in the scripture:” Love your enemy. “
8. On the street of an Italian town, a monk is watching a person who cannot start a motorcycle. The person is angry and swears: “What the hell! Damn him! Thousand devils!”.
The monk comes closer and speaks reproachfully: “And instead of swearing, you would say: “God help me! ”.
The guy says, “God help me!”, Starts the bike and drives off.
“What the hell is this!” Exclaims the monk.
9. The little boy was in the church, built in honor of the fallen soldiers. On the walls of the church are many bas-reliefs in memory of the soldiers. The kid asks the priest: “What is there?”
“Well, my son, this is in memory of those who died in the service.”
The boy looks apprehensively at his holy father: “On the morning or in the evening?”
10. Pop, Roman Catholic priest and rabbi talked about donations to God.
Pop: “I throw a coin, and if it falls on an eagle, I leave it to myself; tails – then God took her to himself.»
Roman Catholic priest: “I throw a coin, and, if it fell to the side, take it to myself; stood on the edge – it means God took it to himself.»
Rabbi: “I also throw a coin, and if it falls, I take it; no – it means God took it to himself.»
11. There is a roll call of all churches and Christian organizations in the paradise: “Catholics? – Here. Orthodox? – Here. Lutherans? “Here …” etc. They listed almost everyone. “Salvation Army? – … Silence – Where
Salvation Army?» Someone from the crowd: “And they went to hell with the food program – buns
give out. “
12. Funeral meeting in the church. A pastor stands at the tomb of the deceased, addressing the community with a speech: “This corpse, like all of us, has been a member of our church for many years.”
13. Church. Wedding. The priest solemnly fiancé: “Do you agree to marry this woman?” Groom: “And what, father, can you offer something better?”
14. One Jew had a stupid son. And nothing could change it. His father had already given him to study for a rabbi, and even to an Islamic mosque. No sense. Just as a son was a fool, he remained so. Desperate, his father gave him a novice to a monastery. And after a while, she comes to visit her son. However, I won’t find out my son: either he will correct the candle, then he will wipe the dust off with a cloth, and everything runs around, let him fuss.
“A son! What happened? Why have you changed so much? ”
The son leads his father to the crucifixion and says: “As you brought me here, I immediately understood: here you are not joking with the Jews.”
15. Mom washes the dishes in the kitchen and wonders why it is so quiet in the nursery. He approaches, looks in and sees that the children are playing worship. Satisfied, she returns to the kitchen and continues to wash the dishes. But a few minutes later a loud noise starts to come from the nursery – a quarrel, a scream. Surprised mom asks: “Children, what happened? You have the same service. ” To which the children replied: “No, the service has already ended, now we have a membership meeting.”
16. Having fallen asleep at the sermon, do not glance, for having risen your eyes you can wake your neighbor.
17. The pastor was going to attend a Sunday school. Children prepared accordingly. He comes to the lesson and says: “Children, I want to give you a riddle: the redhead, with a fluffy tail, gnaws all the nuts. Who is this? ”Everyone is silent, and no one raises his hand to answer. The pastor tries to help: “Come on, children, she is still jumping high on the trees!” Everyone is silent. However, one boy gets up and says: “Pastor, I understand that the correct answer is Jesus, but it looks like a squirrel.”
18. They talk to a rabbi and an Orthodox priest. Holy Father: “But yesterday I dreamed that I was in a Jewish paradise. Stench, dirt, crush.
“And I dreamed that I was in an Orthodox paradise. Silence, peace. And not a soul. “
19. A traffic cop stops the priest: “Holy Father, did you drink something?”
“And in my opinion, you smell of wine.”
“Lord, you did it again!”
20. The pastor walks down the street and passes by a handful of boys who crowded around a puppy. “Are you torturing a dog?” Asked the pastor.
“No, uncle, we just found a puppy, and everyone wants to take him for himself. We decided to arrange a competition: whoever lies the best, will take the puppy. ”
“Ah ah ah! Shame on you! Lying is a sin. When I was little, I never lied. ”
The boys fell silent, exchanged glances, and then one of them took the puppy in his arms and said: “Take the puppy, pastor, you won.”
21. “Your sermon, pastor, reminded me of God’s peace and His righteousness.”
“What are you saying?! Very interesting, and why? “.
“She was” above all intelligence “and, it seemed, was”forever. “
22. Three saints lie in Heaven under a paradise apple tree. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a man appears, rushes at the apple tree and begins to devour one apple after another with greed. Wonderingly, the saints ask him: “Where are you in a hurry? You have the whole eternity ahead! “This is your eternity,” he answers, “and now they will take me to intensive care again!”
About the author
Melisa Marzett likes to laugh at some good jokes as much as she loves writing. Currently, she writes for http://star-writers.com/ and travels along, which makes it to where she can get inspiration, gain experience and enjoy life.